The beginning of everything else

Crocodile Wrestling

Walking through the front door of my parent's house is an odd feeling. It is filled with some of the best memories of my relationship with Elle and is also a place that she visits regularly - more so than Lee or I in recent years. After the breakup Mom and I had a heart-to-heart, and she says she understood my reasons, but I couldn't help but feel like I let her down – she sees Elle as a daughter and was always so supportive of us as a couple. I know I have guilt that I got into such an important relationship that ultimately I wasn't ready for. Elle never would, never could be just some girl I dated in high school. The stakes had been higher, and whilst we knew that, we had both had the youthful naivete that as long as we loved each other, everything else would just fall into place. 

Mom and Chloe were the only two people that I went into much detail with about how painful it was. I'm sure Lee knew, and he would give me a few updates on Elle's life whenever I asked, but he didn't go into much detail. I didn't push him too hard. I could see that he was caught in the middle, and that he was also mourning his own relationship breakdown. Mom didn't really pass on any more than Lee, but we did talk about what happened a couple of times in-depth. I always feared that the information that they held back was that she had found someone else, and the look in Mom's eyes when the topic did crop up let me know that she was aware of how much my heart still ached. 

The memories are flooding back now that I am here, and the nearer I get to the carnival means the nearer I get to finally seeing Elle again. I can feel myself getting more anxious as the hours pass. The house is full of reminders of our childhood and the time that we spent together as a couple. There are obvious things like pictures, one particular picture that my Mom always loved drawing my eye of Elle and I curled up in a chair, smiling at the camera, my arms engulfing her tiny frame. It is a reminder of a time when everything felt like nothing could dent us, before I walked up the escalator to get on the plane to Harvard my Freshman year. The things that really affect me though are the little things, that anyone other than Elle and I could walk past and not give a second glance. The second helmet, dusty but still hanging from the handlebar of my bike, the blanket on the couch that she would throw over the two of us when we watched movies into the night, the Superman mug that she brought me and would insist on using anytime she poured me coffee as a private joke.

Looking back over the years, I didn't stay for long when I visited my parents. College, internships, and Grad School kept me busy enough that I didn't have too many chances to visit for extended periods, and I always knew from Lee when he and Elle were leaving LA on an adventure at weekends or spring breaks. I wanted to see her, immerse myself in memories of her... but I also didn't. I knew how much it had taken to walk away from her last time, and I didn't know if I had it in me to do it again, let alone every time I came back to LA. Generally, the only time that I might have seen Elle would have been for Christmas, but we never seemed to have plans in the same place, especially now she had Linda's side of the family to factor in. I also knew in the back of my mind that if I stayed away, I wouldn't have to see her moved on with someone else. It meant there was a chance, no matter how small, that 6 years ago was a case of the right person, the wrong time.

I threw my luggage on my old bed and started to think of a plan as I paced the room. I knew when and where they would be – the three of them had decided to go to the carnival for a bit of nostalgia. I wanted to go and see her, but I also wanted to have a good enough excuse to leave in case I crashed and burned. A handful of phone calls later and I had a plan for the rest of the day and evening, dinner with Mom and Dad before the carnival, and visiting some friends that I hadn't seen since they graduated and moved back to LA afterward.

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As I listened to my parents talk about the holiday that they were planning for their anniversary, I started to run through the job offers in my head again – New York was a big firm offering slightly more money in an exciting new city. LA was a smaller firm with the opportunity to get involved with the more complex cases, and in the city I would always think of as home.