The beginning of everything else

Mooning

9.35pm... 6.35pm on the West Coast, Shelly said she gets home around 7pm. I saw her less than 48hrs ago, but I can't wait to see her or speak to her again.  As soon as I arrived home in Boston I had checked my schedule. With no meetings on Friday afternoon, I knew I could leave my office at 5pm and head straight to the airport. Doing the math, I should have all day on Saturday, and most of Sunday before I would need to return home at the end of the weekend. Two days to see her, reconnect, and hopefully make a start of some important conversations. 

I had looked through our texts multiple times throughout the day, mulling over the 6 lost years made clear by the gap between the last message she had sent to me and yesterday's exchange. Her last message before the deafening silence that followed had been 4 words, short and to the point. "I got into USC". It had been a stark reminder of everything that I had lost. No niceties,  kisses, or declarations of love. Our whole childhood had been seasoned with playful bickering, and as our relationship developed so did our ability to tease, finding new and exciting ways to annoy each other in the flirtiest possible way. It was an evening during that first Fall after our break-up,  cold and wet, I had trudged home with my clothes soaked through to my skin. I was miserable inside and out, and seeing her name flash up for the first time in months had been a pleasant surprise... until I opened the message. I had felt like such an asshole, I had no right to feel that conflicted. I was so proud of her achievement, and yet at that moment, It was overshadowed by the absence of my Elle in that message.

Yesterday's exchange had been encouraging. I had woken up, exhausted, at 3am to get ready for my flight knowing that she wouldn't have responded to the message yet. The flight took off just after 6am and despite the years of no contact, I was sure that she would not have changed her utter distaste for early mornings, especially at the weekend. Turning my phone back on at Logan had been such a relief seeing that she had responded, although tinged by her all too casually letting me off the hook if I didn't call.

I needed her to know, not only that I would call, but that this wasn't just me using the usual cliches that people do when they see a long-lost acquaintance. She needed to know that I missed her, and I was saying that I would call because I wanted to. When she had seemed to accept that, and quickly, I hoped that this was a sign of things to come - there would be difficult conversations ahead but when the dust settled, doubt about my intentions wouldn't be the thing that kept us apart.

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Balancing a load of laundry on my hip and with a grocery bag full of new toiletries in the opposite hand, I get about halfway up the stairs as I feel my phone vibrating in my back pocket. It had been a long day, and some of the guys from work had been trying to convince me to go to a new bar in town. It might have been nice if not for my desire to get changed straight into my pajamas and chill out in front of the TV with a glass of wine and some pasta. 

Dropping the pile of neatly folded clothes onto my bed, I wandered into my bathroom and started to run a bath, adding in some of my favorite bubbles and getting the candles out of the drawer ready to light. A short time later, clothes hung in my closet, I sunk into the tub and let myself zone out. I would have my bath and then call them back, safe in the knowledge that I would technically be telling them the truth when I said that I couldn't meet them because I was already at home, relaxed, and ready for an early night. 

The scent of these bubbles had been my guilty pleasure for a while now. I had bought them, the same brand as Noah's body wash, after a particularly lonely night when I had reached for one of the hoodies that he had left in my room, only to discover that it had been too long for it to still smell of him. Since then, I had been buying this brand and whenever the world seemed a little overwhelming, I would run a bath and cocoon myself in the familiar scent. Smiling to myself as the water rose to my chin, I let my mind clear, and my muscles relax as I watched the flames on the candles dance and cast shadows across the bathroom. I am going to lay here until my fingers are wrinkly, have a big bowl of carbs, and then watch a sappy rom-com in bed. Bliss.