The beginning of everything else

And there it is

Since the discussion on the beach, life started to settle down. We had revisited the conversation, and it was getting easier to talk about each time. Outwardly, most people see me as the epitome of confidence and yet, when it came to Elle, I had been anything but. Now, her gentle coaxing had started to lift something that had been a shadow in my mind since we were both teens, whilst I knew that she was the only one for me, I had long since questioned if I was good enough to be the man that she deserved.

We are all bought up on fairytales and romantic films where the heroine meets the man of her dreams, he's always the perfect person, everything she could ever want, made just for her and after a small initial hiccough to their plan, they go off to live a perfect life, forever and ever, the end. That wasn't something that I could ever live up to though, I definitely wasn't perfect, as much as I wanted to try to be for her.

The epiphany came one night in that first week as we watched a movie on TV. It was Elle's turn to pick and apparently she had decided to use tonight's film choice to torture me. I wasn't really watching what was happening on the screen, instead I was enjoying the feeling of Elle curled up in my arms as we snuggled down into the couch, lights off, candles lit, under the blanket I had draped over our entwined legs. About halfway through Elle stretched herself out as she reached up to place a kiss on my jaw.

"I know I picked this, but it's a bit sickly sweet even for me, shall we turn over?" she asked, her lips now tracing kisses down my neck

"Turn over, or turn off?" I smile as she rolls her eyes.

"Turn over, you have a one-track mind Noah Flynn, we'll do that later if you behave" she counters impishly as she reaches for the remote, "do you know what film I'd like to see?" she asks, not waiting before giving me the answer, "I'd like to see a film after the big kiss at Grand Central Station where they have an actual relationship".

"Yeah, why's that?" I ask. It's usually during these random discussions that she says something genuinely profound, I've long since realized that Elle is more emotionally intelligent than me, but I'm also eager to learn.

"Because that's the real love part isn't it, the bit where life gets tough, or you argue, or the honeymoon period wears off, but you still keep choosing each other. These films make it seem like there's just one hurdle before you get together and then that's it, you're good."

"Soooo what's this film of yours about then, pitch it to me?"

"It probably wouldn't be very good" she giggles, "not by Hollywood standards anyway, but it's the kind of stuff like... you do it, you're very good at it actually" I am?? "I think you probably got it from your Mum and Dad" she continues, turning more towards me, "I remember when we were little and I'd stay at your house overnight, and sometimes I'd need to get up for water or to use the restroom, and after we had all gone to bed they'd always make sure they would spend some time together, even if they were really tired, or had a bad day, they'd make sure they had some time that was just for them."

"You're right, I do remember that, your Mom use to watch us at least one night a month so they could have a date night too"

When we were younger, I don't think I had really appreciated what my Mom and Dad had, but as I grew older, especially as I realized what I wanted with Elle, their relationship success grew in its significance. They were both very busy people, professionally successful in their own rights, and that combined with parenting my brother and I who could behave like animals, as well as in later years helping out Mike -  their relationship could have suffered, leaving them like ships that pass in the night. But they made time for each other, compromised and supported each other's goals, and now that the nest was empty they were rewarded with a relationship that was still as strong and loving as it was when they got married 30 years ago. As their kids, Lee and I agreed that sometimes it was pretty gross, how often we caught Mom giggling, flirting with Dad, or Dad checking out our Mom as they head out on a date. With that being said, if that's me and Elle in 30 years' time, I'll be a very happy man.

"Like I said though, you do it too, I don't think you realize you're doing it which is why I think you overthink us at times, you don't realize that all of the little things you do are just as good as the big romantic grand gestures" and there it is, that epiphany I spoke about, "which by the way is why it would make a crappy film, nobody is going to want to watch loads of little day to day things, but I massively appreciate how cute you are to me"

"Like what?" I ask as I lean down and kiss her

"Hmmm, let's see" she starts, tapping her index finger on her chin, "you do things all of the time... OK, like today when I was working at the dining table, my back was hurting but I hadn't told you, but you knew somehow, and you kept bringing me peppermint tea and massaging my shoulders, but you didn't try to distract me or stop me from working, you were just doing it to make me feel better"

"You kept fidgeting, but I could tell you were busy, so I just thought it might help".

"It did, that's my point, or when you ask me about the office drama even though you don't know any of them, and I know you don't care who keeps taking all of the post-it notes, but you ask me so I can get it off of my chest, or went you save things in our list on Netflix that you know I'll like"

"You make me sound pretty good when you're talking me up like this" I joke, but the look on her face has grown so very sincere. It's incredible how much just being with her and being open about these things has changed my perspective about myself and what I mean to her.

"Do you remember when you came home from spring break that first year that you were at Harvard?" she asks me as I nod, "You'd booked and paid for so many fun things for us to do, and then I got sick the day before you came home, and I kept telling you to go and have fun, to see if Lee or one of your friends would have my ticket, but you wouldn't because you said that whatever you did on spring break, you wanted it to be with me"

"I'd missed you so much" I tell her, pulling her towards me into my lap, I can feel her hair tickle the underside of my chin and one of her hands rest against my chest over my heart, "I'd booked all of those things because I wanted to spend time with you"

"So you just took care of me, made me soup, let me fall asleep on you for hours, you must have been so bored"

"Nah, I was with you, I'm never bored when I'm with you"

"Even though I was sick, it was the best sleep I'd hand in weeks because you were there"

As the week closed and the next one started, I was in a much better place than I had ever been. My view of my place in our relationship had changed for the better as I felt more secure about who I was to her. With Christmas drawing near our evenings and weekends became busy, shopping for last-minute gifts, getting and decorating the tree, and socializing with friends and extended family that we wouldn't see on the day itself. 

Elle learned that my tree decorating skills were sub-par at best with her relegating me to watch from the couch until she needed my height to place the star. I learned that according to Elle I'd been living dangerously low on my scented candle stock for all of these years as we stood in Bed, Bath and Beyond deciding between Apple Cinnamon or Christmas Cookie before I took them from her hands and placed both options in the cart. We made plans for New Year with Lee, Rach, Tuppen and Char, and we had our parents over for dinner, with my Mom comically surprised when she learned that tonight I was the chef.