The beginning of everything else

Balconies and Bathrobes

It's midnight, and I am sitting on the balcony of my old room thinking over the events of tonight. It's warm, there is a gentle breeze in the air, and I'm relaxed for what feels like the first time in a very long time. 

They had been standing in front of the Kissing Booth when I arrived, Lee and Rachel arm-in-arm laughing at the groups of High-Schoolers excitedly lining up to pay for a kiss, but my gaze quickly fell on Elle. She was standing a little further back, with an expression I couldn't quite decipher, until she turned and saw me. Time seemed to freeze. She looked different, older and more grown-up of course, but something else as well. It was confidence I think, not the loud, brash kind, but the gentle kind you have from knowing who you are in the world -  it was radiating off of her. Or was that my brain trying to assure me that she had achieved the things that I had hoped for her, that the pain of our separation had been worth it in some way?

I found myself babbling like a teenager about still being a rebel and leaving work early last Friday, a usual sign of nervousness that I am sure she recognized but played along with. I kicked myself for arranging plans that meant I couldn't stay longer, but then again, maybe slow and steady is the way forward this time around. I caught her trying to protect herself, suggesting that it was OK if I didn't have time to call her. That told me that I needed to prove to her that I meant what I said and that I wasn't going anywhere this time, that I want this and would do whatever I needed to do, as long as she was willing to let me.

I can't blame her if that is the case. I promised her that I would fight for her, and then left. It doesn't matter that I know that I had still been doing that. That fighting for her in that instance meant being strong enough to take myself out of the equation. If she wasn't sure of that, then I'd move heaven and earth to show her.

The biggest thing that I took from tonight had nothing to do with what we said, it was the number of times I found myself gazing into her eyes to find her looking back in the same way. I definitely wasn't imagining that, and that was all I needed right now. I smiled as a remembered the moment that she noticed that my feelings still weren't platonic, I had assured her that I would find time to call and her guard dropped for a moment. It took everything in me to not lean down and kiss her right there, but I knew that I didn't want our first kiss after so many years to be two grown-ass adults making out in public at a high school fundraiser. 

And then I was leaving, walking up the steps as my heart rate started to slow down. The spark was still there, for both of us I was sure, and I know that I still love her just as much today as I did back then, probably more so in fact. As I reached the top of the steps and turn around for one last look our eyes connect again instantly - this time she is more relaxed, giggling, and a little relieved if I am not mistaken. Same here Shell, same here.

Now that I have time to process everything, I think back to the first time I had to leave her at the airport to go to Harvard. She had made me promise not to turn back at the top of the escalators because she said it was too cheesy. I had hated the idea but did it anyway because she asked, and then spent 6 hours on a plane regretting my decision. I remember how unsure she was in those first few weeks afterward, questioning whether I would want space. Not this time, this time I didn't care how cheesy the gesture, I wanted Elle to know exactly how I had always felt. That she is my person.

As I get into bed I remember another welcome bit of news, Elle has her own motorcycle. I can't help but hope that her choice may have some kind of connection to me and all of the happy memories of us riding away with the wind in our faces and her arms wrapped tightly around me. Whatever her motivation, it's incredibly sexy, and she agreed to a bike ride next time I'm in town - which sounds like a date to me - so I need to get back to LA for another weekend as soon as my schedule will let me.