The beginning of everything else

Flash Back - Blueberry Vodka

The world is a very different place from how I had imagined it would be right now, and I don't like it at all. 8 months ago I had been searching for apartments in Boston, thinking that I was about to start life as a real adult couple with Elle.

When I'd returned to Harvard, I'd thought that the first few days would be the worst. That it would be painful telling my friends that not only would Elle not be joining me here but that it was over, that she wouldn't be calling or visiting, that we were done, and that it was my fault. I'd thought that after that the pain would lessen perhaps imperceptibly day by day, but at some point I would look back and realize that I felt better, that I'd done it for the right reasons, and that there was no longer a hollow feeling in my chest. 

They had been sympathetic of course, I'd found a really great group of friends, and they'd liked her when she visited or when they spoke to her on my Skype. They understood my reasoning, but they'd also pondered why I'd made the decision without speaking to her first, adding more voices to the one already in my head telling me that I'd lost her needlessly in my bid to get her to put herself first. They'd tried to be a comfort or a distraction, but as the month drew on and my mood didn't improve I started to notice them backing off from the subject. Whether that be because they were sick of talking about it or didn't know what else to say was anybody's guess, but I didn't blame them, I would have felt the same if the tables had been turned.

I'd backed out of meeting up with them at the weekends and in the evenings, I didn't contribute to our discussion as I used to over lunches, I didn't smile, I wasn't fun, I was an emotional vacuum and it's a testament to our friendship that they still included me at all. I went to my classes and did the work, I went to practice and ran all of my drills. I felt like I was doing a mediocre impression of a human being until I could shut myself away in my dorm, go to sleep, and dream of better times with her. 

I thought about calling her to tell her that I was sorry, to take it back and beg her to give me another chance, but I knew that she needed to do her own thing and experience college life without being tied to her computer most evenings trying to make long-distance work, when she should be out having fun. Less often I thought about trying to at least give friendship a go, but once an acorn becomes an oak there is no way for it to un-grow. I knew that if I got in contact there was no way that I would want us to just be friends, but I also knew that I never wanted to hear her say she didn't want me, and so fear set in about what would happen if I did call, or text, or run into her at home.

I stayed in Boston for Thanksgiving with the excuse of being busy for my classes, and I traveled to the UK for Christmas and New Year. The only time I made it back to LA in those first few months was early January for a couple of days knowing Elle was elsewhere with Lee. I've been trying to pull myself together, making myself go out with friends and socialize with the team, as well as going on a couple of dates that people have set up for me, although I feel like a fraud in every situation. I plaster a smile onto my face and make myself join in the conversation, but in my head, I'm just calculating at what time I can leave.

Having not seen me much since summer and them understanding why, or who, I was avoiding in LA, my parents had announced they were taking a trip to Nantucket over the Harvard Spring Break and had rented a house big enough that both Chloe and I could stay for the two weeks. She needs it probably more than I do, her relationship with her boyfriend is in another downward spiral, and as much as the guy hates me, it seemed it was more difficult for him to argue against it when she said that she wanted to catch up with my parents.

So now here I am, sitting on a garden chair on the lawn of a house in Nantucket, half watching the boats out on the water and half watching Chloe drinking wine with my Mom after dinner. If things had gone differently, Elle would have been here sitting on this chair with me, wrapped up in a blanket enjoying some downtime before returning back to separate coasts to finish the year. If I'm really honest with myself, Lee and Rach might have been here too - I'm still carrying some guilt with me over their breakup given that it was inspired by what I've pretty much accepted was the worst decision I've ever made.