The beginning of everything else

Barefoot Boogie

Negative. All of them.

My first thought after the sense of relief was Noah. He had been more OK with the idea of pregnancy than I had been, and he was also the one that had agreed to make the compromise on timescales in the future. 

"You OK?" I ask him, as he picks up the tests and drops them into the trash can.

"Yeah of course", he says as he sits on the closed toilet lid to make room for me to sit in his lap, "it was a nice thought there for a minute, but this way we get to do it on our own schedule"

"You were hoping they were positive weren't you?" I know he was, I can see the disappointment in his eyes, no matter how much he is trying to hide it. He smiles at me, but it's a sad smile, and gives me a slight nod.

"Yes and No... it's... I know it would have been too soon, and I know that this is the better outcome for now, and I don't want you to have to do the whole pregnant thing before you're ready... but also... yeah, I wouldn't have been disappointed with a positive"

It's my turn to be the one with all of the comfort and support, and so sitting on his knee, I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him into the biggest hug. It's usually him that gets to do this, mainly due to the difference in our heights, it's unusual that I'm the one towering over him, and so I take advantage knowing how good it feels as I drop kiss after kiss on his temples and forehead. We probably look ridiculous, tiny little me trying to engulf this huge man in my embrace, but I don't care because it turns out that tonight he's the one that needs looking after, and I will, with everything that I have.

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After my initial bout of disappointment, we finished our evening. We reheated the pizza and threw away the now melted ice cream. I felt like a bit of a dick for wanting something that Elle clearly didn't, but she kept reassuring me that it wasn't an issue and that I should stop feeling guilty. In her mind, wanting something that might have already happened was entirely different from if I had been trying to push her to start a family when she wasn't ready. That would never happen, it wasn't something I was prepared to do, but I couldn't quite get over the fact that something that I would have been so happy about was something that would have been the reverse for Elle.

After a day or so, things pretty much got back to normal. We spent the weekend visiting our parents before work kicked back in on Monday morning. I tried to get Elle to slow down and relax a little now that we knew it was probably stress that was causing her body to get out of sync, and one evening she had suggested that gardening would be something soothing to do in the evenings. The following night we met at a local nursery after work, and bought lots of blue glazed terracotta pots and colorful plants for our outdoor space. I'd not been too enthused when she'd asked me to help her assemble everything when we got home, gardening has never really been my thing, but by the time we had filled all of the pots and arranged them, I had definitely come around to the idea.

We started to make plans for our wedding setting the date for April next year, most of the details at the moment are a little fuzzy except for where we intend to spend our honeymoon. It may seem a little cliche, it's the kind of place that I would imagine would be top of the list in every wedding magazine, but the little huts extending into the ocean on Bora Bora are a once-in-a-lifetime type vacation. 

Despite everything seeming to return to normal, there were still times that I got in my head, and I noticed Elle watching me more closely, and I hated that she could probably see that I wasn't yet over our pregnancy 'scare'. I'd been trying my hardest not to show that it was still something I was dwelling on, and I thought I had been doing a good job, but somehow every so often she must have noticed, and I think she is showing signs that it's starting to piss her off.