The beginning of everything else

Stunned Silence

There are a million places that I would rather be than here, I have never wanted to run away from something so much - In. My. Life.

I had managed to ignore this feeling all weekend until now, through the property viewings, through signing the paperwork, and paying the deposit, whilst we searched online for new furniture, and through dinner at a restaurant in what will be our new neighborhood. Now however, I feel sick to my stomach. I have driven Elle's car, at least that way I had something to occupy my mind, but now that I have parked, I'm sitting here gripping the wheel so tight my knuckles are turning white. 

The reason that I won't ever run away, the reason that I will always be here, has just squeezed my knee, and as tiny as that gesture is, it starts to calms me. I release the wheel and wrap her hand in both of mine as she turns her head slightly to watch me. I'd do anything for her, so I just need to get on with this.

"So now you have me here you can be as brutal as you like, how bad is this going to be? I'd rather be prepared" I say nodding towards Mr Evan's front door.

This week the usual Evans/Flynn Sunday dinner was at Elle's dad's house. We ditched the first one when we got back together, technically we were still in the process of getting back together at the time that they would have been sitting down to eat. The next Sunday we were in New York. This week however seems like it's time, we've just signed a lease on a house and so not being upfront about where we are just doesn't seem right. 

"He's OK, he's my dad so I'm not saying he won't have questions for you, but he's not mad at you, and he knows how happy you make me" she tries to reassure me. I want to believe her, but also... would he tell her if he was going to threaten to chop my balls off? 

I'm startled from my thoughts by Lee knocking on the window, I had been so deep in this panicked spiral that I hadn't noticed their car pull up and him and Rachel get out. He's wearing that shit-eating grin that comes with him enjoying my discomfort, but I'm not sure if it's because he managed to make me jump, or because he knows how I'll be feeling about this whole girlfriend's father situation.

After locking the car and everyone hugging everyone else we make our way to the door, and I am feeling like there might be safety in numbers. This is obviously a usual thing for these three, but this is my first family dinner in years, and I am momentarily struck by how much time has passed and how adult we all are. 

For years, I would arrive at these dinners in the back of my dad's car, hoping to not make it too obvious that I had a crush on Elle as I stealthily watched her. For those mid-teenage years, I knew that I liked her; I knew how beautiful she was, how much she made me smile, how much I liked being around her. I also knew that in Elle's world I was at best a mild annoyance that she put up with for her friendship with Lee. How wrong could I have been on that last one? Then came the months hoping to not make it too obvious that I was dating Elle as I stealthily watched her, followed by a few [mostly] great dinners over the summer and my trips home from college when everyone knew that we were together.

Now I'm looking at the four of us, Elle and I are going to be living together in a few short weeks, my brother is getting married, and we're visiting our parents to have dinner. As Linda opens the door I feel Elle's hand that had been hooked into my elbow slide down my forearm before intertwining our fingers. 

After greeting everybody, I want to get this done because I know I won't relax until I have spoken to him, and I don't want to spend my last few precious hours with Elle feeling like a man on borrowed time. I seize my chance when Linda is about to take him a beer whilst he grills, and I offer to take it out instead. I find him standing on the deck turning what looks like chicken skewers on the grill with his back to the door.