The beginning of everything else

The Bench by the Lake

I couldn't be more grateful for the way that Noah is behaving, I was terrified when I realized what might be happening and thought about the possibility that he would freak out and run for the hills. Now that he hasn't, I'm aware of how utterly ridiculous that worry was, it just seems like when it comes to the possibility of losing him again, my brain goes from 0 to 100 towards the absolute worst-case, most irrational scenario. 

He's been amazing, the same way that he has been throughout our whole reunion, and in my defense, I've stopped worrying about the little things, but this right now is potentially freaking huge. He had helped me up from the bathroom floor and stayed with me whilst I got dressed, at one point taking my hairbrush out of my hand to help me when I had stood staring, zoned out, in front of the dressing table mirror. He had led me to his car, helping me into the passenger seat before leaning in to softly kiss me, then running around to the driver's side, starting the engine, and grabbing my hand.

I could tell that his mind was elsewhere, of course it would be, but the physical manifestation of that is us driving around a little aimlessly. There are things I want to ask him because I want to know how he really feels. I love him so much for how supportive he is being, but I also need to know what he wants if we get two lines instead of one. It's when he drives past the third turning that would have taken us to a pharmacy that I know I need to take charge a little to get this shopping trip done so that we can talk.

"If you take the next left and then a right we could stop at that pharmacy and then maybe go for a walk in the park over there?"

He's definitely been on auto-pilot because I actually see him shake his head a little, like he's dislodging his thoughts, and then he turns briefly to smile at me before he mutters "sure". When we stop outside the store, he jumps out of the car, telling me he's got it covered, and emerges a few minutes later with a bag filled with several different varieties.

"I wasn't sure which one was best, so I got a few" he tells me laughing slightly to himself and looking in the bag, I can see why. 

There are people around, but they are all minding their own business, and so I know we can speak pretty freely without anyone overhearing us. As soon as we are out of the car, Noah takes my hand and gives it a little squeeze before wrapping his arm around my shoulder and guiding us toward the little lake at the park's center that is just past a patch of trees. At first we just walk, both of us clearly thinking about the possibility of how tonight will play out. We haven't said much, but given the circumstances, it's oddly OK, we are here together and it's a comfortable silence, the unspoken message is that regardless of how we would prefer this to go down, ultimately we'll be OK.

We reach an area where the grass slopes down to the lake with a little bench halfway down the hill. It looks like a great place for a talk and so I take his hand to stop him from walking, and gesture that we should take a seat, which he does without question, pulling a couple of sodas from his jacket pocket along with two bags of chips.

"Before we go home and take those tests... what are you thinking?" I ask him whilst devouring my bag of Flaming Cheetos now that my appetite is returning, "and I mean really thinking, not what you think I want to hear"

He turns to face me, screwing the cap back onto his drink, and smiles a little at my question because I think he knows I caught him being his super sweet self whilst maybe keeping his thoughts a little under wraps.

"I hadn't expected it" he starts, "but I don't hate it, I know I want kids with you, and if we are pregnant... I'm going to love it just as much as I would do if this happened a while from now"

"Not hating it is different to wanting it though" I tell him. I think this is at least one of my fears, that if I am, he'll tell me everything is OK but secretly resent me for messing up all of our plans.