Scared of us (meradd/ meddison)

I hate that i hurt you

Addison POV:
I am not so sure about what I just did, did I say I love you too? I mean I do love her but why did I told her that so soon?
"I- do- too" I hear her tired voice say with a smile "yeah?" I say she nods and I smile than I took her hands in mines and hold them tight but not to much because she still has wounds from her attempts suicide and some other scarse on the left arm,
Oh what did I do...
I thought
"I am sorry..." I say, after some hours, she looks me confused "for what?" She asks "for this, for all of what has happened to you since I left, which I shouldn't have done, I shouldn't have left you like that... I am so so sorry Meredith" I say all in one breath " why did you?... left." She asks "I-I- I think I was scared" I whisper "of what?" She sounds almost angry "of... of loving you, of love, of what could happen, I am scared of us" I try to explain " the last person I loved, Derek, left me with nothing, he hurt me like no one ever did, and now I am scared to feel all of that again..." and a tear falls down.
She looks at me smiling why would she be smiling I am fucking crying      "Why are you smiling " I say while sobbing "I am sorry, I just... I would never ever make you feel like Derek did, I love you, for real" she says "I still don't understand why do you smile" I reply "I smile because I imagined our life together, and it makes me smile"
Life? Isn't she running too much? I mean I want to spend my life with her ? Yes, but is really this the right time to think about it? And how is she so happy after tried to commit suicide?
"How are you feeling?" I ask changing subject  "good, why do you ask?" She answered with a smile "uhm... let me think because you are in a hospital because of your attempt suicide? How can you ask 'why do I ask'" I say laughing a bit because of nerves "oh... yeah that... let's just not talk about that, okay?" She try to convince me with her amazing smile " no mer, we need to talk about what happened" I say after a little fight about that she said "ok. What do you wanna know?" "Why did you do this?" I started with my fist question which I am not sure I wanna hear the answer of "you don't wanna know" she says with hurry in her voice " but I do wanna know" I say " this will hurt you so I am not saying that" she says "I know it will. And I think that if there was a way to not knowing that I would pick that, but there isn't I need to know why so that I can help you, even if the answer is gonna hurt like hell" I explained to her "I was tired of living without you..." she answers and a tear falls down my face, I try to hold it back but she sees it "I told you it would hurt..." she says "ok, next question..." I say trying to move on
I know I am talking right now I am asking her questions which I already know the answer of but all I can think about is the fact that all the pain, all the suffering, all sorrow that she felt were because of me... I did to her exactly what Derek did to me... except for the fact that I never tried to kill myself, I self harmed but I never tried to kill myself because of him...
"Addison? Are you even listening to my answers?"
Mer ask me "yes, of course I -" I got interrupted by mer friends came to see her
"Hi mer, how are you?" Izzie asked "I am fine" mer answered "ok now I gotta tell you what happened today there was this case-" Cristina started "ok, mer I need to go " I say kissing her forehead and started walking away as Cristina restarted speaking "No! Wait! Where are you going? I thought you said you wouldn't leave again" Meredith said practically screaming, I turned around to see her eyes full of water " I am going to change and have a shower than I'll come back to you. I promise" I say with a reassuring tone "is that ok with you" I ask her and she nods, so I want home had a shower, cried a little and than fell asleep