Mo Dao Zu Shi Stories

It was my fault (part 2)

...WHY AM I DOING THIS?! CAUSE I WANT MY HEART TO FEEL~!

Ever since that morning, Wei Wuxian could not bring himself to not think over it. Even when his husband would tell him not to worry or be concerned he couldn't help, but think about it. He just felt so much guilt and wasn't sure what to do with it. But besides guilt he also felt anger. He wasn't sure what to do with that either. Handling his temper was never an easy feet. While Lan Wanji handled the juniors for the day he decided to just sit on his own at the waterfall, to just clear his head. But the more he tried, the more enraged he felt.

"What they did...how...do I really forgive them for that...? Even if it happened so long ago...even if it was my fault....just how....do I just not overlook this...?" He says quietly to himself.

"Senior Wei?" He lifts his head to see a young man staring down at him with concern.

"Sizhui...."

"Are you okay?" He asks. Wei Wuxian sighs and stares down at the water. He wasn't sure if he should speak about this to Sizhui, but there was no one else he could talk to. 

"Not entirely,"

"What's wrong? Do you want me to get Hanguang-Jun..?"

"No...he'll just tell me to not worry over any of it. But...I can't let go of this....not now...not after I actually remembered it.."

"Remembered what..?"

"Sizhui...you've never seen them...but he has discipline scars on his back..."

"D...Discipline scars...?"

"Yes, 33 whip lashes..."

Sizhui stops and frowns as he looks at his expression.

"Before....when I was just realizing my feelings, and Zewu-Jun had informed me about why he had received the....I felt so much guilt....."

"Senior Wei..."

"I was so wrapped up in my woes during the siege.....that I hadn't paid attention to Lan Zhan....who was trying to help me and protect me....but paid the price...." he says quietly as his voice began to quiver.

"Senior Wei...it just shows how much he loved you...."

"I just wish that he didn't do that....he just....didn't need more pain to add to his broken heart. I never remembered the event...so I never knew he was beaten so harshly...."

Sizhui places a hand to his shoulder, and notices that his shoulders were trembling however he wasn't sure if it was in anger or guilt.

"To think they would do that....his uncle and brother allowed it.....but couldn't my death have been enough...?! He was already hurt by the sight of me....no amount of herbs or bandages could fix that heart ache....! So why inflict more damage?!"

"Senior Wei...."

His eyes were filled with tears as they flickered between their usual color and the bloody red color that would show with his cultivation.

"Ah...please calm down....if you get angry it will not be good and Hanguang-Jun may even notice too..."

"Let him notice...."

"Ah....Senior Wei...."

"Sizhui I never remembered....but I dream often of my past....and I dreamt the events of that incident. I watched him be whipped and watched him be silent and in pain. Watched him take you in. And yet would feel pain as well at the sight of you. I never want that kind of grief for anyone...ever."

Sizhui moves back from him and holds a hand to his sword ready to stop him noticing that his mind was being warped by his anger.

"Senior Wei...?!"