love a broken girl {SteveRogersXReader} {BuckyXReader} {StuckyXReader}

chapter 21 {an honest conversation}

Bucky turns off the tab as the bath is filled. he puts his arms around your waist. you let your head fall on his shoulder. Bucky traces his fingers over throat where his metal hand was moments ago. "did you like it" he asked "i didn't scare you did i". "no Buck, i really liked it" you say to him. "i just get a bit, too much in to it sometimes" he says looking a bit guilty. you lift your head up looking into his eyes. "I liked it Buck, i mean it" you say before you kiss him.

"can i ask you something?" you ask him as you lay your head back on his shoulder.

 "of course" he says. "why won't you tell me what your nightmares are about" you ask him. you see you caught him of guard with the question. "i just" he says not finishing his sentence. "i just want to help Bucky" you say to him. "I know it's just, i don't know it they are just nightmares or if they are....memories" he says softly. you turn around to face him and hug him. "but you can tell me either way, or at least tell Steve if your more comfortable with telling him" you say to him. "that's not it. i just don't want you to know me like that" he says "like what?" you ask. "as the winter soldier, as a killer" he says. "well just so you know, i spend enough time with the winter soldier to know he's not that bad. i know you were not yourself back then" you say to Bucky and you see him looking a bit sad.

"but wait, you told me at hydra that you remember everything you did as the winter soldier. so you should know right if it was a memory or not" you say confused. you see you triggered something in Bucky as his eyes turn sad. "what's wrong" you ask him. "i uhh, i have to tell you something" he starts. "okay" you say. "not here" he said getting out of the bath, helping you out too. you both dried of and sit down on the bed.

"why have you never asked me why i didn't get you out, when i got out" he asks you with sad eyes. "because i assumed you had a good reason not too" you said calmly. Bucky sighs "I did something stupid" he said as tears formed in his eyes. you looked at him and grab his hand. "it's okay, you can tell me" you say calmly. "you, they...you were dead, hydra killed you" Bucky said. you didn't understand what he was saying. "what, how" you ask him confused because you clearly were alive. "when i got out, i came back for you" Bucky began "but when i came there, they had killed you. not on purpose but they pushed you too far over the edge. i just couldn't accept you were dead, i couldn't believe you were gone and then, then" he said as tears rolled down his face.

"then what Bucky" you asked him. "then he came to me, i don't know who it was i don't remember but he claimed he could let you live again. but i uhh" Bucky said not getting his words straight. "they wanted a deal with me, they would give you your life but they would erase my memories" he said. "and i agreed" he said fully crying, you were confused what was so bad about this. "what was so bad about the deal?" you asked him confused. "because" he began "because you wanted to die". you were shocked at his words. yes when you were at hydra there were so many moments you wanted to die, but how Bucky said it, it hurt him so much. "they began an operation on you, it went on for days" Bucky continued. "you screamed at them just to let you die, but i was selfish" he says and you could see the hurt in his eyes as he thinks back to it. "they let you live and then they wiped my mind. i forgot what i did as the winter soldier and i forgot about you" he says.

you rub your thumb over his hand. "after a few months flashes of my memories came back and after a year memories came back to me. than almost a year ago we were on a mission i remember you" he said sighing loud "i had a dream about you, at first i wasn't sure if it was a memory or a dream and then when i came home and saw you. I knew it was a memory and not a dream" he says smiling softly at you, you smile back at him and wipe a tear from his face. "so when i have a nightmare now i just don't know it it's a just a nightmare or more than that. and i just don't want it to be memories cause that would mean i did so many horrible things y/n" he says as tears roll down his cheeks. you grab his head, brushing the tears away with your thumb. "but that's all in your past now, you need to start looking to the future. because Buck the future has never been so bright for us" you say smiling to him. "you're right" he says smiling back at you. "and if you need someone to talk to, or have rough sex with to get your mind of it" you say smiling at your joke "I'm here". Bucky laughs at your joke too. "thank you y/n, i love you so so much" he says. "i love you more" you say pulling him in for a kiss before both of you fall asleep.

you woke up and turned around to face Bucky, but he was already up. you threw on one of Bucky's t-shirts and walked downstairs. "good morning sir" you say jokingly. "morning gorgeous" he said before kissing you. Bucky was making pancakes. you hoped on the counter and he gave you a cup of coffee. Bucky stared at you "what?" you asked him. "nothing just" he said tracing his fingers over your throat which was lightly bruised. you place your hand on his and tangle your fingers with his. "it's fine Buck, i had an amazing night" you say placing a kiss on his hand as you removed it from your neck. "besides you should be more worried about the bruises on my ass" you smirk. "god, i really don't deserve you doll" he says as he kisses you passionately. "you're wrong, you deserve every part of me" you whisper in his ear. his hands trail over your body, lifting the shirt up a bit. he kissed you deeply again. "don't burn the pancakes" you said pulling away from the kiss, smiling at him. "oh shit" he said flipping the pancake just in time. "you're just so distracting" he says as he put the pan away, stepping between your legs and kissing you again.

"you should wear my t-shirts more often" he says between kisses. "oh yeah, why's that?" you ask him teasingly. "because it marks you as mine" he says kissing your neck. "oh yeah, you better hope Steve isn't returning soon. so you can have me all to yourself" you whisper. "oh baby, the things i want to do with you" he whispers.

you push him away from you and hop off the counter. "but first breakfast, i'm starving after last night" you say jokingly. "you fucking tease" Bucky says smiling at you before the 2 of you sit down eating the pancakes. you just hung out today. you watched a movie together, cuddled up close. "i miss Steve" you say to Bucky. "i miss him too" he replied. "do you think he's okay?" you ask him. "yeah of course, he's done this many times. he fought fucking aliens, i'm sure he can handle a few hydra agents" Bucky says kissing your forehead. "yeah your right, i guess i'm just a bit worried because it's taking so long" you say. "missions like this can take days, you need to scout the building, than make a solid plan and then execute it very precisely. so it isn't unusual that it takes so long" Bucky says pulling you closer to him. "I'm glad you're here with me" you say. "it's going to be okay" he says.

you had both fallen asleep on the couch, when you were woken up as you heard footsteps. you and Bucky shared a look. then the team walked in, they looked rough. "dad!" you say running up to Tony hugging him. you've actually missed him. you pulled away and saw a sad look in their eyes. "where's Steve?" you asked wanting nothing more than kiss him right now. you looked at the team, no one saying anything, they all looked at you with a sad look on their face. it was enough for you to realize Steve wasn't with them. "where's Steve dad?" you asked with tears in your eyes. "he's.." your dad said looking to the ground. "dad where is he!" you yelled as tears streamed down your face. then he spoke with tears in his eyes too "hydra took him".