Celestial Chords (Ciudad de Escalante #3)

Phase 38

I'm dying slowly with everything.

This world is my grave.

My days without Papa feel like I was trapped in a pit, six feet beneath the ground, lying helplessly, and can't even stand up to escape because life is burying me alive. All I can do is to watch them covering my face with dirt until I can't find any air to breathe.

I let darkness consoles me. Embracing my own death every day comforts me. I felt that in this way, Papa and I had a bigger chance to meet sooner. His death has been a dark doorway with so much unpleasant grieving for me. The heartache I never knew was possible and strange because I never knew how or when that door would open and pull me in.

I still can't believe that I will no longer hear his voice, feel his love and his presence. Longing from his warmth and grieving from his death makes me lose everything in myself in the process. My mind can't still accept the fact that he's no more here.

Hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula, paano magpapatuloy at kung paano ba ang dapat gawin para mabuhay. Everyone in this house were also suffering. Wala kaming mapag-hugutan ng lakas at ng saya.

Ate Moira is blaming herself.

The feeling of being responsible for Papa's death made her to attempt suicide. Nag-away kami at nagsigawan noong nakaraan sa binabalak niya dahil kung gagawin niya iyon, parang isinawalang-bahala na niya ang sakrispisyo ni Papa para maging maayos ang kanyang kalusugan.

And Maureen, my mother, is drowning in regrets and guilt. Kagaya ko ay halos hindi na lumabas ng kwarto at hindi makapag-isip ng tama sa pagkawala ni Papa.

Masyadong malaki ang epekto ng pag-iwan niya sa aming tatlo. The bigger he took part in our lives to make us happy and feel loved in his presence, the greater the pain it brought us in his absence.

Pero dahil sabi nga ng iba, lahat ng sakit ay may kapalit naman kung maghihintay lang.

"Maui! Your Kuya Shade is here! Itigil mo muna ang panonood diyan at may pasalubong siya sa'yo!" sigaw ko habang inililigpit ang mga laruan ni Maui na nakakakalat sa sala.

Maui is my brother. Months after Papa's death, we noticed Mama's stomach getting bigger. Maging siya ay walang ideya sa kanyang pagbubuntis. We found hope and a reason to be alive again. Looking forward in the blessing is our new beginning. Babies are gift. At first, we thought that it was Alvaro's child. Masaya pa rin ako kahit ganoon pero hindi namin inaasahan na pagkalabas ng bata, kamukhang-kamukha ang mata, ilong at kutis ko na nakuha kay Papa.

I'm pleased. It gave me the strength to move forward. I know it is Papa's way to make us feel that he's always there for us. I know he'll help us cope up with his death. At alam ko na nasa mabuting kalagayan na siya ngayon, umaantabay sa amin.

Kahit hindi pa kami lubusang magkasundo ni Mama, sinisikap kong makisama para sa ikabubuti ng lahat. Iyon kasi ang binilin ni Papa sa akin. Na pakisamahan ko siya... kahit mahirap at hindi madali.

I'm not as good as Papa when it comes to forgiving, but at least I'm trying, right?

It is partly for the sake of my little sibling and, of course, for me to prevent myself from being vengeful. I need to be open to forgiveness. She's my mother, after all, and she carried our youngest. Dahil kay Maui, lahat kami ay nagkaroon ng rason para magpatuloy. Everyone in the house was happy when he was born.

"Mamaya na iyan, Shan. I'll help you clean later. Where's cute boy by the way?" tanong ni Shade habang pinapasadahan ang bahay.

"Nasa itaas pa at ayaw bumaba. Puntahan mo na nga. Sigurado na kapag nakita ka, hindi na aalis sa tabi mo," natatawang sambit ko at kinuha na ang vacuum para mabawasan man lang ang kalat.