I stood in my 5th shower of the day crying. Today I been so emotional for some reason, heart just heavy as fuck. It's not even 2 yet.
I've dealt with depression and anxiety in the past but that's something I got controlled by myself. I didn't want anyone to know so nobody ever did.
Sometimes I would have to drop Papa off to my momma for a few days just so I can get my mental together. That would be when I felt it getting worse. Today was unexpected.
It comes and goes but this time is really bad. I been crying a lot. It's getting hard to hide it from Papa.
I just wanna be the best mother I can be and give my child an amazing life. I want to raise him to be an amazing man even though his dad isn't here anymore and it's hard for a woman to raise a man. I wanna make my momma proud and make up for everything she ever did for me and Papa. I wanna know why no man ever really loved me. The man that I think actually might love me, I feel imma mess it up cause I never had that love.
I got myself together then washed my body and got out the shower. After I got dressed I checked on Papa and he was still asleep. I sat in the silent living room and thought.
In the middle of my thoughts the bell was rung. I looked out the window and saw Manny car.
Fuck. I forgot he wanted to take me and Papa out to eat today. K'Monie with Khalid girl doing mommy daughter stuff.
I exhaled then went and opened the door. "Hey I tried calling but your phone kept going to voicemail.", he said.
"Oh yeah. I can't find my changer and I never really went out today.", I shrugged. He nodded. He just looked at me so I looked away. Felt like the nigga was looking through me. "Papa ain't feeling good. He's sleep. We just gone stay in the house today.", I said playing with my sleeve not looking at him.
"You straight?" I nodded. "Can I come in?" I looked up and quickly moved over. I didn't realize that I didn't let him in. He came in and closed and locked the door behind him. "What's wrong?" I shook my head still not looking at him. "You acting weird and you can't even look in my eyes. Plus you got like a million chargers around this mother fucker I know at least one work."
"You thirsty?" He didn't respond. I saw him getting closer out the corner of my eye so I looked up and he was opening his arms to hug me. I broke down as he hugged me tightly. I don't know why but I feel like I just needed this hug. Like this hug is telling me everything gone be ok and it means it.
He rubbed my back. "Is Papa ok?", he asked rubbing my back. I nodded. "What about momma?" I nodded again. "Did somebody do something to you?" I shook my head. "Look at me." He held my back by my arms and looked at my face. "I got you you know that right? You ain't gotta be scared to tell me shit and you better tell me everything. Did something happen?" I shook my head. "What's wrong?"
"I'm just tired Manny.", I cried dropping my head.
He picked me up bridal style and carried me to my room as I cried in his chest. He laid me in my bed then took off his jacket and shoes and got in next to me. He put the cover over us then wrapped his leg around me and held me. "I got you.", he kissed my head. "Talk to me. Tell me what you tired of." I looked up at him sniffing. I exhaled and told him everything.
He told me everything I needed to hear and made this load a lot lighter. I fell asleep in his arms.
...
I woke up in a black room on a pillow. I felt around for my phone. When I found it I checked the time. It's 11. I gasped and ran out of my room. I went to Yosohn's room but he wasn't in there. I ran downstairs and looked in the living room. I saw him and K'Monie asleep on the couch in footed sleepers with a movies end credits playing. It look like they both had showers.
I went to the kitchen and I saw Manny emptying the dust pan. He cleaned the kitchen, the whole house is clean. "You hungry?", Manny asked as he turned around. I didn't know he heard me, I'm sure he heard my fat ass running around upstairs and down the stairs. I shook my head.
"I ain't know I slept all day I'm sorry. You coulda woke me up when Papa woke up.", I said.
"I wanted you to sleep. You want something to drink?" I shook my head. "You good?" I nodded.
"I feel better."
"You sure?", he asked as he walked to me. I nodded. He hugged me tight and kissed my head.
"I'm hungry.", I said looking up at him.
"What you want?" I curled my lip as I thought.
"I don't know, everything closed."
"I'll cook for you.", he said. I raised my eyebrows.
"Don't act like I never cooked for your ass before.", he said cutting his eyes at me.
"Not at no 11 at night."
"I'll cook whenever you want me to." I smiled and thought about what I wanted.
"Chicken and waffles.", I said smiling up at him.
"Okay. Imma pug the kids down then run to the store. Go got in bed and smoke you a blunt and put on a movie. I'll be done in an hour tops. Go relax imma bring you some chicken and waffles.", he said smacking my ass. I smiled before kissing him and going upstairs.
...
While I was laughing at Why Did I Get Married and smoking Manny came in with two plates. Once he gave me my plate my high ass smashed.
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