I'm all I've got

Saudade( Before )

Sorry for any mistakes .

"Why did they leave?" A 16-year-old Alex mumbled to herself as she stared at herself in the bathroom mirror. She had just come out of the shower, towel wrapped around her body, as her wet hair sticks to the nape of her neck and shoulders.

'Maybe because of you,' her subconscious retorted

Shaking her head she ignored the voice.

"Did they even care about me," she questioned again, looking at herself

' No,' the same voice chimed

Her thoughts were racing through her head as she stared at herself in the mirror. Her cheekbones had sunken in as a result of her loss of appetite, as black circles adorned her eyes as a result of her lack of sleep.

It was hard getting used to... Looking in the mirror and being disappointed by what you see, but it had become a part of what Alex sees and felt while she looked at herself.

"Maybe I shouldn't be here," she whispered out loud

"Now you're being selfish, "she heard a murmur in the back of her head
                  
                 
                    *Present*

Neither of us said anything as I laid on my back on the sofa, across from her, arms resting on my stomach as I gazed up at the ceiling, tears silently streaming down my face. There was nothing she could do to make me feel better, and she knew that.

I had to go personally deal with something regarding Mr. Jones at the company today, but the meeting ended earlier than expected.

Over the past few days, I tried to cheer myself up by doing stuff with Ava, but it didn't work, instead, I found myself getting more anxious and depressed, which was expected, but it felt worse than ever experienced before.

I felt the need to surround myself with someone that made me feel safe, and Ms. Margret is the only person who can provide me with that security right now.

Feeling the same crucial sensation of emptiness I felt 6 years ago, settling in my heart, I lifted my had to wipe my tears, but they just kept coming

Does it feel like this for everyone? I thought 'Every year?'

It wasn't long before I started sobbing. It never gets easier, I keep saying 'every year it'll be different,' but it never is. It's as if I can still feel her body against mines, feel her fingers, her soft curly hair, the very outline of her fragile little body.

"She was supposed to be here," I whimpered, hugging myself

"I know," I heard Ms. Margret whisper before she moved over to where I was and lifted my head to put it in her lap as she sat down. "I'm sorry," a tear fell on my forehead.

Silent tears streamed out of both our eyes, as I once again morn
the loss that never gets any easier.

"I started taking the pills again," I blurted out

I wanted her to know it had gotten worse, without having to tell her. I felt as if it was better if she figured it out...me telling her would just make me feel weak. Weak for not being able to get through this without submitting myself to the restraints of the medication that makes me feel less of myself each time I take them.

"Okay," she said as she ran her palm gently over my head. She didn't say anything else, which left me clueless about what she was thinking.

"I always try to believe or convince myself that somebody cared about me or at least cared about what happened to me back then, but every time I do, something else always happens that makes me think differently," I said after a while.