fragile | clexa

chapter three

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When Clarke finished her bath, the warmth had made her tired enough that she wanted no more than just stay in the bathtub and sleep. She sighed once more (and needed to stop herself from looking at the guard in the back) and sat up, then carefully stepped out of the tub, requiring all her strength. Her clothes laid on a chair, and Clarke was a little surprised to see that the black gown was rather covering.

She didn't fully understand how to put it on with all the ties at the back, and ended up looking at it longer than it would've taken any sane person to put it on.

"May I offer my help?" the guard spoke, as softly as Clarke imagined the big guy was able to, "I was told to do whatever you said."

That startled her a little, but she slightly shook her head, "It's fine," she lied.

"I do not have to touch you, I can simply explain if you wish," he said and eventually, Clarke nodded. It was too awkward to stand in front of him completely naked.

The man explained how to put the piece of clothing on, and as if he knew Clarke was scared of loud noises, he talked quietly and gently. She thanked him with a grateful nod and after putting the black dress on, Clarke hesitantly walked out of the bathroom, the guard following her with a little distance.

-

When Lexa saw Clarke coming out of the bathroom 30 minutes or so after she had left, with a nightgown similar to Lexa's own on her freshly washed body, she offered a smile, and a raised eyebrow to the guard. He nodded a little, silently telling her everything had gone along alright.

"Clarke," Lexa acknowledged, and Clarke immediately turned towards her, eyes on the floor and hands by her sides.

"Yes?"

"I'll go to sleep, if that's okay with you. I didn't have much sleep the last few night and I'm tired. If you need anything, ask him, his shift will end in only a few hours," Lexa said and nodded towards the almost bald shaved, young guard now standing in the background at the door with another one. "You can do whatever you like, eat, sleep, read, draw... whatever you wish. I was surprised with your presence here, otherwise I would have gotten a room ready. My bed is big enough, you can sleep there for now. As far as I know I'm a relatively calm sleeper, so I'll most certainly stay on my side and won't touch you. If I accidentally do, please wake me up," Lexa said.

Clarke's face read confusion, but she nodded anyway. She didn't understand why the Heda would let her do those things, or sleep in her bed for non sexual reasons. "Where are my restraints?" she asked hestitantly.

"Your wha- oh- oh, no, as I said, I will not hurt you. You're free to go any time, but I suggest you stay until you're healed. No restraints."

-

The Heda fell asleep rather quickly, with one of her long, muscular legs thrown over a fur the other leg was buried under, and her arms wrapped around her own torso as if hugging herself. Her face was relaxed, and she looked so much more innocent in sleep, without any paint and a normal clothed body, than she did in public.

Now that Clarke had the chance to properly look at her, she noticed how young the Heda looked, and how much of an actually pretty woman she was. If it hadn't been for her nightblood fate, maybe Lexa would've gotten sold as a slave too. There surely were men who would pay for those soft looking lips, the high cheekbones, the wavy brown hair.

Clarke almost heard Jaha yelling at her, his teacher's whip punishing her for such thoughts. She needed to get a grip.

So she shook her head, silently apologized, and laid down on the bed furthest away from Lexa to not disturb the woman in her sleep. She would've slept on the floor, but she had to obey her master's orders, so the least she could do was stay as far away as possible. How Lexa allowed them to sleep in the same bed, she had no idea.

The thing was, Clarke was terrified of sleeping. She was utterly tired, and already struggling to keep her eyes open, but her body physically refused to relax and fall asleep, just because it knew the problems coming with it.

On one hand, it was the possibility of being used in her sleep, or getting whipped to wake up, and on the other hand it was the nightmares that awaited her on the shore of sleep. She had them every single time she fell asleep, in the worst versions, and then woke up to a fully hitting panic attack.

She could control those attacks, she knew how not to allow herself to shake or cry, because her masters didn't like that, but that didn't make it any less of a struggle.

So when her eyes fell shut and she drifted off to sleep, Clarke was already terrified.

-

Lexa woke up somewhen around midnight. She wasn't a very good sleeper, especially not on full moons.

She didn't get up in the hope of falling back asleep and just laid there staring at the ceiling. Soft breathing noises were coming from her right, and Lexa turned around to see Clarke peacefully sleeping. Well, as peaceful as it was possible completely squared up and stiff.

Soon, a frown built up on the blonde's forehead, and she started sweating. Her body moved under the furs, and she made little whining noises, turning into full sobs and tears. Lexa quickly moved to wake the girl up, but just as she was about to shake her awake, Clarke woke up herself with a small scream.

Her eyes were wide, and red from the crying, and her breathing got even shallower once she was fully awake.

"Clarke?" Lexa asked concerned. "Clarke, breathe. Breathe with me, okay?"

She started breathing audibly and counting each in- and exhale, until at least Clarke's breathing had returned to relatively normal. Her eyes were still flickering around in the room with panic in them.

"Clarke, can you hear me? Can you tell me how old you are?"

"19," came the shaky answer, "I think."

"Great, and uh- what's the name of your childhood best friend?"

"Uh- I have... I have several. Raven and- and Octavia are m-maybe my best friends."

"You're doing so good. Tell me what's your favorite color."

"Green."

"And can you see any green in the room?" Lexa asked before she realized it was still dark.

"Y-your eyes," Clarke said before she could correct herself.

"Yeah, right! That was so good, I'm so proud of you," Lexa repeated, and her hand reached out, brushing a thumb gently over Clarke's cheek to wipe a single tear away.

There had been masters touching her face, obviously, and Clarke, also obviously, didn't really- and Clarke wasn't supposed to have an opinion. She didn't know why she couldn't just shut herself up.

She had been right about the Heda's hands though, they were fine indeed, feeling so very soft on her skin and not even a comparison to the dry and rough hands of the men that had owned her before.

So, she figured, maybe the Heda's hands couldn't hurt her as bad as others had.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Lexa asked then, and Clarke didn't really believe her ears. She frowned a bit and then remembered she should answer everything honestly. Did she want to talk about it? Not really. She should apologize instead. Where was the punishment for the crying and noises?

Fuck. She'd probably woken the Heda up. Didn't she usually have her nightmares under control?

"Uh- thank you, but I would prefer not to if that's okay?"

Lexa nodded. "Do you need anything?"

Clarke's confusion didn't let up, but she just shook her head and thanked the Heda again.

Lexa fell back on her pillow after a while, yawning, and Clarke was pretty sure she had woken her. But it stayed at that. No more questions, no touching and no punishment. It only made Clarke more afraid of the day to come.

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