fragile | clexa

chapter eighty one

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Things were okay for a moment, and the next one they weren't anymore.

A deafening bang sounded through the apartment. Clarke screamed and the Heda drew her sword in the matter of a second, pushing Abby against Jake, protecting the three of them behind her tense body.

Another scream followed Clarke's from further away, and Jake knew instantly. "Raven!"

Lexa watched the two tense and somewhat confused as they dashed down the hallway leading to Raven's room, but she remembered how Clarke told her how the holes in Raven's clothing happened.

Explosions.

She just wanted to follow them to make sure everyone was safe and that if Raven was injured, she got to a healer quickly, but one glance at Clarke made that impossible.

The girl was crouched in the corner of the kitchen, her body tense and trembling, her hands clutched flat over her ears and her eyes squinted together tightly. "Clarke," Lexa breathed, hurrying to kneel in front of her. "Clarke, can you hear me? It's okay, it's just your sister. Nothing happened. You're safe."

"I'm safe," Clarke repeated and Lexa nodded, daring to extend her hand but Clarke flinched and Lexa took it back immediately. She only then realized that Clarke couldn't have heard her- her hands were far too tight over her ears.

She frowned. How could Clarke repeat her if she hadn't heard her?

How could Lexa help if Clarke couldn't hear her?

She was just about to try again, try to extend her hand once more, when it became clear that apparently, she didn't have to. Clarke's shaking didn't get worse- instead, her own hand rested on her chest and... and her breaths became softer, step by step. She curled up further, held herself tighter, relaxed further. "I'm safe," she breathed again and slowly, regained enough control of her muscles to let go of her ears, to open her eyes.

The remaining panic that simmered in the depths of her eyes cooled when she saw Lexa. She extended the hand that wasn't still on her own chest a little weakly, asked Lexa silently to hold it. Lexa interwove her own fingers with Clarke's softly immediately.

"Are we safe?"

"We're safe. I hope. Raven blew something up," Lexa said with the hint of a smile and was surprised Clarke reciprocated it.

They stayed like that for a few minutes. Lexa held Clarke's hand and Clarke got back to breathing normally, to letting the stiffness and initial panic leave her body, to clearing up her mind.

"There's still that stuff that scares me, you know?" she asked in the silence somewhen. "Like sudden things and loud noises. Can't help it."

"That's okay. I mean, what am I even talking about, okay? You just calmed yourself out of this."

Clarke smiled and sat up straighter, giving Lexa a kiss. "As much as I love you, I can't just keep you around all day and night like a service animal."

Lexa chuckled and squeezed Clarke's hand gently. "Maybe, but that doesn't make it less impressive. What do you think about celebrating?"

"This isn't the first time this has happened, but yes, please."

"That just means there's more to celebrate. Any ideas in particular?"

"A nap. I want a nap," Clarke said decisively and Lexa helped her up, not mentioning that she didn't see a nap as worthy enough to celebrate the fact that Clarke had just been scared to death, almost had a panic attack, hadn't (been able to?) accept Lexa's help and instead just did it all on her own.

This was what made Lexa prouder than anything. Not that Clarke didn't use her help- she should know that she was always, always, always allowed to ask for help and never feel like it made her any weaker, despite what people said. (Clarke and weak, who the fuck had put those words in one sentence anyway?)

But Clarke could hold herself and know it was enough. She could tell herself she was safe and her self-trust allowed her to feel safe, just because she had said so. She could love herself as strongly as to know she deserved not to be wrecked by panic. She could love herself as strongly as to protect herself against it.

Maybe, once they had celebrated and Lexa had showed Clarke just how much she loved her, Clarke could teach Lexa better.

'Better' because she had already done so much. Because by Clarke settling in Lexa's heart, Lexa had to nourish her long neglected heart forcefully if she wanted to nourish Clarke. By being there, accepting Lexa's care, finding a way through the labyrinth that lead through the walls to Lexa's heart, Clarke had changed something. She had changed everything.

It was Clarke who had made her believe that there was nothing stronger than love. How could it not be? Love had rescued two women from the worst places without a single weapon- if anybody could prove to her there was anything stronger, please.

Clarke had been the one to tell her to slow down. To rely on others. Most importantly, maybe- she had taught her how to take care of herself, as little as Lexa had managed so far. Clarke talked to her about how Lexa had let dreams and goals come back to her after believing she'd die for so long, but did Clarke know that Lexa had never planned anything for her life either before Clarke?

Once there had been love, once there had been Clarke, Lexa had allowed herself to dream about just what Clarke had asked her before their vacation. 'What do you want in your future?'

'Clarke' would be Lexa's first answer. She wanted Clarke. She wanted that sweet little house with the garden and the animals and the cookies, and whatever else Clarke had listed. She wanted to travel the world, without politics, without guards, but with Clarke. She wanted to marry Clarke. She wanted to have a family with Clarke. (She didn't expect the latter to want to be an actual mother; Lexa wanted a puppy, though)

But besides that, something else had grown in her mind that seemed a thousand times riskier and more daring than 'Clarke'. Maybe, her second answer of what she wanted in the future was 'herself'.

Maybe Lexa should go to therapy with Clarke. She wanted to learn how to crochet too, and try painting again. She wanted to travel... alone. She wanted to be with her own thoughts. Lexa had never minded meditating as a part of Titus' teachings, it was one of her favorite things out of the stuff she had learned. Maybe though, she wanted to meditate with her thoughts. Not the past Commanders. Like Lexa had told Clarke, she wanted something that was just for her. Something good. Something that might be nice for the people, but not crucial to their survival. Something that the people didn't have to like for Lexa to like it anyway.

She wanted to hold herself like Clarke could hold herself, and she wanted it to be enough. She wanted it to be okay when she was alone, instead of finding it terrifying like she used to growing up.

She wanted everything out of life that it could give her, and she decided that day that politics, war and coldness were three things life had given her that she had thoroughly exhausted.

Naps with Clarke though? Absolutely not.

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