fragile | clexa

chapter nine

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The fur felt too warm on Lexa's body. It was too heavy. If she kicked it away though, it was too cold. She was so fucking tired, why couldn't she fall asleep?

With a sigh and after the 20th turn to the other side, she got up. Clarke was sleeping and Lexa took the chance to study the other girl's features a bit. It was sad, really, that Clarke had a tensed back while sleeping and that her brow was furrowed in that slight way that could've looked adorable if Lexa hadn't known it meant distress. On her forehead, there was a band-aid, same as on her very prominent jaw and cheeks. The bones seemed sharp underneath the pale skin. A deep purple bruise was spread over Clarke's chin, her lips were dry and chapped and there was a slim cut on the right corner of the girl's bottom lip. It extended to the skin of her chin.

Lexa thought of how the girl once might have looked. It was hard to think the bruises, the rings under her eyes, the cuts, scars and fallen in cheeks away. Really, Clarke didn't deserve anything of what had happened to her.

Lexa just hoped that TonDC and the healers would help something, at least.

She averted her eyes from the other girl's face and went to the bathroom to make herself a bath. Clarke wasn't the only one to whom they were comforting. Plus, they helped bad nights of sleep.

-

Of course Clarke woke up in the middle of the night again. Of course there were those sharp words of Jaha, his whip and all the restraints her wrists had ever hold, melting together in a nightmare.

Tears were running down her face and she hated herself so much for it, because she should've been used to it, she should've known that her nights were as bad as her days. But she just couldn't deal with it. Which she should be. There was such a pressure on that, dealing with it all, because Jaha kept screaming at her to get her crying under control but she just wasn't able to.

It made her panic that she wasn't able to escape anything. Maybe that's what had been the problem all along.

Her fingers wrapped around the closest fur, clutching it with all she had as everything filled her head. All those hands on her body, all those disgusting breaths on her skin, the lips pressing on her's to harsh and hard, everything smelling like alcohol and bad breath. It was so prominent, it felt so real. Clarke couldn't escape it. Never. Not even at night.

Her breaths went shallow and she felt the physical pain of those men using her so accurately she was sure if Jaha hadn't whipped her often enough for it, she would have screamed. Why was it there so suddenly?

She wanted to throw up. Her body was shaking and she was so hyperaware of the fact that there was absolutely no way out, not sleeping and not closing her eyes, because it was everywhere.

There was no way out. Ever.

The door to the bathroom flew open that moment and Lexa came out.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Clarke didn't have herself under control. She needed to. She knew she did.

Lexa was in her nightgown, her hair completely undried over her shoulder, wetting her skin and clothing. "Clarke," she breathed and rushed forward towards the bed. She dropped on her knees besides Clarke's side. "Clarke, you need to breathe," Lexa said and it barely reigstered Clarke's mind before something else had taken the word's place. It scared Clarke. She needed to know what her owner wanted from her.

Hands wrapped around her jaw that moment, cupping her cheeks and turning her face. Clarke was looking right into Lexa's eyes, so warm but somehow distressed. Her features were lit by the candles.

"Clarke," she heard again. Softly spoken, the k popping the way Lexa seemed to do it each time. Lexa had rings under her eyes, Clarke noticed. Pale but still there, almost suiting the woman. Her lips had a slight crack in the bottom, but else seemed very soft. Almost as soft as the green of her eyes or her voice. Clarke's breathing had slowed down as she studied Lexa's face, her tears gotten slightly less. The shaking of her body was reducing to a mere tremble.

She knew it wasn't allowed to look at one's master, but Clarke couldn't help it. Not like Lexa was holding her face in place anyway. Clarke should hate that touch. She shouldn't think about how the Heda's hands were so warm, but she still did. Her head shook slightly anyway and she felt Lexa's hands slipping away. "Sorry," the woman apologized. "I didn't mean to touch you. I'm sorry I left you here too, I just wanted to go take a bath. I should've stayed here. Are you alright?"

Clarke nodded softly. "I'm sorry for bothering."

Lexa shook her head. "It's fine, don't apologize. Would you like to talk about it?"

A slight headshake.

"Okay. Something else? Food, a book, stuff to draw, something?"

Clarke really wasn't sure what she should say. She didn't know. There hadn't been anything she had wanted for forever. Except those bathes.

So she shook her head again.

"Do you just want to stay in bed? You know you can go some place else if you'd like."

Clarke looked down towards her legs that really weren't looking any different than her slim arms. Not enough muscle to 'go someplace else'. Lexa understood.

"Okay. Let me know if I can do anything for you, okay?"

Clarke nodded and Lexa went to her side of the bed. She laid down without having her hair dried, but she really wanted to be there if Clarke was doing worse again.

"I'm sorry," Clarke found herself saying the moment they were lying in bed. Her mouth was shut again as quickly as it had opened.

"For what?"

"Being such a burden," was the first thing that came to her mind. "I am not used to being anywhere else than some bed or couch."

"You aren't a burden. You're a girl that somehow found her way from that slavery industry into my chambers, so I'm doing the least I can and make sure you're going to be okay."

Clarke just nodded. It was dark and she knew Lexa couldn't see it, but since she didn't know what to say, Clarke just hoped silence wasn't considered impolite.

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