fragile | clexa

chapter fifty three

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Lexa, if not so exhausted and burned out, would've cared about mindlessly crying out the words far more than she actually did. Her body just collapsed further against Clarke's, her knees thankful for the rug in front of the bed, and she might have never felt so tired and out of control of her feelings.

"I love you," she sobbed against the bandage on Clarke's stomach. Another bandage. Another cut. Another scar. When would it stop? When could Clarke just live, for once? She was the sweetest person Lexa had ever met, why was it her that was pulled into all that slavery shit? God Clarke deserved the world and so much more, not another person who wanted her dead.

Clarke just kept brushing through her hair and Lexa felt even worse that Clarke was comforting her, not the other way around. She sunk further into Clarke's lap, still kneeling in front of her although the wounds were long forgotten, and maybe nothing had ever felt as soothing as Clarke playing with her braids.

Lexa must've simply drifted off to sleep like that. The next thing she knew, she was curled up among furs, armor and coat off. The mess of paint and tears on her face was gone and her body had been tucked carefully into her blanket.

"Clarke?" she asked raspily and her arm stretched out to search the other girl's body.

"Oh, hi," it came from the other side of the room. Clarke got up from the armchair with shaky legs and made her way over to the bed. "Well, look who really needed some sleep."

"How long was I out?"

"About 13 hours."

"What?"

"I told you, a three hours sleep schedule is neither healthy nor bringing you far. It damages your brain, ability to function and pay attention. I read about it."

Lexa groaned a buried her head back in the pillow. "Is there anything you haven't read about?"

"You have a lot of books," Clarke shrugged. "How are you feeling?"

"Like everything was just sucked out of my body. I'm so rested I can't even move anymore."

Clarke chuckled and with a sigh, Lexa forced herself to sit up. She yawned, drank the filled glass of water on her nightstand and then just stared ahead. "I'm sorry for yesterday," she said after a while of searching for the right words. She hadn't found them, but apologizing was the least she could do.

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

"I do. You met Finn again after so many years and I made it all about myself. I should've taken care of you better."

"You didn't make it about yourself. You were worried."

"Yeah- um... about that... it wasn't really my brightest moment to say what I did before falling right asleep. The whole evening wasn't my brightest moment. You wouldn't have needed to do this. Tuck me in, wash my face, take my armor off."

"I did. Lexa, I care about you too. Why would I be the only one who gets taken care of?"

"You deserve it. More than."

"If I deserve it, so do you."

"Did I make things weird by saying- you know?" Lexa asked off topic and Clarke's eyes found hers.

"You made them even more confusing," she pointed out. "I don't know why you're even bothering to date me. If that's what we're doing."

Lexa chuckled. "Really, Clarke? I cry my soul out in your lap telling you that I love you and you still don't know why I would date you? Would you like me to tattoo it on my body? Shout it all over Polis? Write you a letter? Make a list?"

Clarke blushed.

She also didn't know when they had gotten so close.

Lexa only had to lean into her direction a little more and they'd be kissing. Clarke had more than missed Lexa's kisses. Sometimes she had gotten a quick goodbye kiss and Clarke had relished them, but it was nothing close to Lexa kissing her deliberately, softly, just for the sake of kissing her.

God. Clarke had become a terrible slave. If Jaha would see her like this, he would probably not even recognize her.

Lexa did lean in, but stopped just in front of Clarke's lips. She hummed and Clarke swore she could feel it vibrate through her own body, that's how close they were. "Okay then. Let me make a list. I love your voice. I love when you giggle or laugh, even though that's not too often. I love your eyes. I love the scar on your jaw. It's shaped like a tiny heart. God, you're so beautiful I wanna write poems about you."

Clarke was pretty sure she was dreaming. Her heart had probably left her body with how fast it was beating. Maybe, it needed to beat that fast to support all the blood needed for her to blush like she was. Butterflies were roaming her stomach and she itched to lean forward just an inch, itched to reach out and feel Lexa.

"I love how sweet you are with animals and children. Artigas and Lennox must've had the best months of their life meeting you. I love how considerate you are. I love your warmth and heartbeat when we cuddle. I love-"

"Lexa," Clarke cut the woman off softly, even her voice enthralled by Lexa's words. "I think if you continue my heart's gonna give out."

"I think if I continue I would still sit here by tomorrow," Lexa replied and of course that didn't help Clarke's heart. "I'm so in love with you, Clarke kom Trikru," Lexa whispered. "I'm so in love with you. It kind of scares me."

Clarke didn't want to cry, but she still ended up with tears over her cheeks and a sound between a sob and a chuckle. "Yeah. Me too, it scares me too."

Lexa's fingers unwillingly reaching out to dry the tears on Clarke's face. "I'm not allowed to feel this."

"Neither am I." The three words were spoken so weakly, Lexa barely caught them.

"Titus taught me all about love is weakness. God, Clarke you make me so weak yet I've never felt stronger in my life."

Clarke's eyes searched Lexa for a while. Maybe it was simply the close proximity and an accident, maybe Clarke leaned in on purpose to give Lexa just the feather of a kiss.

"Jaha taught us too, in the last ten elite levels of teaching. Love is death. For slaves, at least. Love is something for worthy people. Lexa, why do I feel so alive through something that's meant to kill me?"

Lexa didn't answer the question with anything but a kiss. Maybe there were no words to express what their lips could do silently. Lexa didn't know if the tears on her cheeks were Clarke's or her own, but she knew that Clarke was kissing her back, that Clarke hadn't freaked out over Lexa's love confessions and that something within her healed just that moment.

It was like a missing piece had fallen right into place in Lexa's heart.

God. Had she really said it out loud? Twice, thrice?

She supposed she couldn't be surprised. She loved Clarke kom Trikru and she would tell the whole city if she had to.

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