fragile | clexa

chapter five

____________________________

After she had cut the other girl's nails, Lexa took a soap and carefully brushed the rest of dirt off Clarke's hands.

"There you go," she said and Clarke smiled so slightly, it was barely visible.

"Thank you very much," she said with a grateful nod.

"No need to thank me. Come on, let's get back and talk," Lexa offered and Clarke's shoulders got a little more rigid.

She sat down across of Lexa at the table after the brunette showed her to. Then, she waited for the Heda to say something.

It had to be something important, though Clarke couldn't think of what. She couldn't get anything out of Lexa's serious expression either, but it would sure make sense later on.

"Do you have any family?"

It didn't make sense.

"Um- yes, I do. At least I did when I left."

Lexa nodded. She didn't seem to be fully with the conversation. "And did they live far away from Polis?"

Clarke shook her head. "No, we lived in Polis."

"Would you like to be there this morning? I can bring you home and pay for a safety adjustment. Then I'll take care of that slavery industry thing," Lexa said, green eyes illuminated by only the candle light, features so soft Clarke wondered how they could face an enemy. She averted her eyes to the floor again, and considered.

Thoughts of cherries filled her mind, birthday cake, and days spent in that questionably stable tree house. Raven's wide grin and Octavia's protective sense, her mom's laughter and her dad's eyes lighting up at the sight of her mom.

Home.

And then thoughts of whips and handcuffs and bad breath of about 50 year old men pushed those other thoughts away. Bruises and cuts and scars along her skin. Her bones so painfully visible at every part of her body.

She felt so goddamn dirty. She knew she wasn't allowed to, but how wouldn't she? Her skin was practically crawling.

She hated the thought of her family seeing her like that. Not only seeing, but also having to deal with her.

Truth was, Clarke didn't want to feel like that, because she'd seen other girls die in the hands of those men. Others had it so much worse than her.

But fuck that disgust from the years had settled into each of her bones and that moment, going back to her family seemed worse than going back to any place else.

She'd probably be scared around her own family. She'd be uncomfortable around the ones that she used to love most.

She didn't deserve it, either.

"What are you thinking?" Lexa asked across her, voice as gentle as ever, and Clarke tried to find the right words.

"Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate your offer endlessly. But- well... that's never been an option before. I've always thought I'd end up like the girls that die there. The thought of being home- I just... I don't know if it's home anymore. I do want to meet my family again, obviously, but... I just-"

She couldn't voice one single sentence. Usually, talking wasn't her job.

Maybe that was another catch too. For years she'd been locked and tied up and now someone was just offering her to be home in a few hours. That was the least realistic thing she could've heard that night.

"You can recover first, Clarke, don't worry. It's not a decision you have to make now."

It was more than unrealisitic, even. She was bought to serve a new master, and a day later she sat there with the offer to go home, to recover, like she had just stopped being a slave overnight.

No. She couldn't do that. It's what Jaha had warned her all about. She wasn't allowed to. Why was Lexa making her mind struggle so much? Why did she ask so much and talk so much?

It just messed up her head. It didn't seem like there was help. It seemed so rushed and sudden and it wasn't that the Heda could actually mean that anyway, right?

"I- Lexa-"

"Look. We'll start slow, okay? Step by step. Nothing's gotta be rushed," Lexa said the complete opposite of the marathon Clarke's thoughts were running.

The Heda couldn't be serious. A part of Clarke begged her not to be.

-

It turned out she was dead serious. When the sun rose, they ate breakfast together and Lexa didn't stare at her or at the amount of food she ate, which made her a little more secure as the time passed. Lexa had a meeting then, and Clarke stayed in Lexa's room for the whole time until she came back around dinner time.

A healer had been there in that time. Lexa apparently had sent her. The woman had taken a look at Clarke's body like she was an almost dead stray puppy.

"Oh God girl you've had it bad," she'd said then, some kind of accent covering her words.

Clarke had just smiled the tiniest bit, unsure about what to say or do.

The woman had started telling Clarke about her cat then, and the whole time she spent bandaging what felt like the blonde's entire body, she wouldn't stop. Clarke was sort of grateful for it.

"I'll come again tomorrow to look after you. Take these pills, one of each three times a day," the healer had said and had handed her a little box. "I'm Yelena by the way."

"Clarke," Clarke had answered.

____________________________________

hi guys, sorry for the long time it's been, school and stuff is stressing the shit out of me. I hope you like the chapter, sorry that it's so short again