fragile | clexa

chapter ten

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Clarke hadn't realized she would need to walk in order to get out of the tower when Lexa and she were supposed to go to TonDC the following day. And then be on a horse.

She could barely move her legs. Her record of accomplished steps in a row were 20 very, very small ones. It was embarrassing enough that she had to count in steps. She was just able to move from Lexa's bed to Lexa's table and from Lexa's bed to Lexa's bathroom.

But leaving the room, plus the bag Lexa had said she would need, walking down all the stairs of the Heda tower? That would take weeks for her and in the end, she would most certainly still die of exhaustion. Even if that had always been a threat, her body being stretched to all it could offer and more, she would never manage those stairs. Just getting to the first one from Lexa's chambers...

And then riding a horse? Through the whole forest to TonDC?

Clarke's anxiety built up further as the day went by, and then through the night as well. Lexa was lying next to her that time through the whole night and seemed to have a better night of sleep than Clarke did. The lack of sleep only spurred on her panic of failing it all and making the Heda mad or disappointed. Or maybe Lexa would lose her odd faith into Clarke and her capabilities and the blonde would end up tied to the bed after all. That's how it should've been. Maybe Clarke was meant to be tired and meant not to reach TonDC in the first place.

If she could only sleep for a few minutes.

Her eyes observed the ceiling for hours, imprinting every detail, before she went on to the wall, every tiny little spot and every little curve or pattern that adorned it. Nothing would get her out of her own head. Nothing offered well enough of a distraction.

-

When Lexa woke up the next morning, she took one look at Clarke and knew the girl hadn't slept. The rings under her eyes were darker and bigger than before and her eyes were drowsy, desperately trying to stay perfectly open and on the floor during breakfast.

Lexa had packed a bag for herself and Clarke, some clothes and a few books, nothing Lexa didn't have in TonDC as well but just wanted to have with them for sure. She had the two bags slung over one shoulder when Clarke joined her in her bedroom with very shaky steps, wearing the far too big clothes Lexa had lend her. At least the length fitted reasonably.

Lexa reached out her arm to help Clarke.

"I know it's scary to change places," she said as she saw the distrusting expression in the blonde's eyes, which were still down and wouldn't meet her eyes. "But I won't hurt you, okay? I know you won't trust me, I don't expect you to, but I can help you walk," Lexa proposed and Clarke really could not not take the offer just to break down a minute later.

It felt weird still when she nodded and Lexa carefully wrapped an arm around Clarke's slim body.

"Can you put your arm around my shoulder?" Lexa asked and after not too many attempts, Clarke managed to get her arm on Lexa's shoulder. The woman wasn't so much taller than her. Clarke felt muscles twitching under her palm as Lexa informed her that she would take her first step now and since Clarke was practically glued to Lexa, it wasn't an effort at all to make that first step. Lexa's arm was supporting the little weight that was Clarke almost entirely, so that the blonde was practically carried.

It took a while until they had reached the stairs. An embarrassing long time, for Clarke.

She was wasting the Heda's time. Again. And who the fuck couldn't even walk? How pathetic did she have to be?

But Lexa changed directions and instead of going down the first flight of stairs, she stepped into a sort of room Clarke hadn't even noticed at the side of the corridor. An elevator.

With that, it didn't take much more than two minutes- if even- to get to the ground. Although they were just standing, Lexa didn't take her arm back to herself. She only held Clarke close to a body that felt like a rock compared to Clarke's. Warm, muscles twitching with each small movement, stable. Not that rocks were warm, but it got the point across well enough.

The blonde noticed that the Heda smelled like fresh rain, some sort of flower maybe that she used as a soap, something that made it bearable to stay close to her until they had reached the stalls and more of that damn panic consumed Clarke. She needed to resist the urge not to grip Lexa's shirt, crumble it between the weak impact of her trembling fingers.

"Clarke?" Lexa asked, trying to get a look at the girl, but Clarke's body was so weak from just the exertion of clinging to another body that it simply refused to move, no matter how much Clarke tried. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Lexa got a small answer.

"Is it the ride?"

A soft nod against her shoulder.

"You won't ride alone," Lexa said and it just made Clarke feel worse. She forced herself to stop trembling and nodded again. That was okay. If her master wished that, being pressed into some body for hours would be no worse than anything else her master demanded.

Bodies against hers were her life, after all. She should be glad she and whoever she would be riding with were clothed.

"Clarke?"

Her head lifted itself up as best as she could. "Yes?"

"I asked if you would like to choose a horse?" Lexa asked and sounded almost hesitant.

What the fuck was Clarke supposed to answer to that? Why would she choose the horse? That weren't the questions people usually asked her. People never asked her questions, to be exact.

"They're all very nice and agreeable," Lexa said as if she knew Clarke was struggling for an explanation. "But maybe there's one you would prefer in color or size?"

Clarke didn't say anything. Maybe because the color of any horse she'd be on was the last thing on her mind, maybe because she didn't know why Lexa would care about such thing.

Then, Lexa renewed her grip on Clarke's body, careful not to have it too tight to hurt her, and went on to show her a few of the many horses in the Heda's stalls. "They're my favorites anyway. Would you like to choose one?"

Clarke didn't know either why or how, but her arm weakly lifted up to point to a black one at the edge, its dark eyes looking back at her curiously. Maybe Clarke liked the idea of the animal not knowing anything about her worth or the meaning of her life. Not that she was supposed to like something.

Not that she was supposed to wrap her arms around his head- Lexa had said his name, but Clarke hadn't been able to properly catch it- when he was let out of his stall and slowly trotted towards her. He smelled like a common horse did, Clarke guessed, but she still liked the scent. It must've been because she had completely forgotten how a common horse smelled.

Again, not that she was supposed to like anything.

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oh boy it's been a long time. I wasn't really in the right headspace for any writing, but here we go with another chapter, sorry if it's a little short :) I hope you still enjoyed it and I would be very happy about a vote or maybe comment <3
don't forget you're awesome and stay safe!