cigarette smoke.

so far so good

YOU PRETEND IT DOESN'T BURN AND ACHE, THEY WAY IT STAINS YOUR CHEST, THE WAY SOMETHING AWFUL AND BITTER AND ALL TOGETHER HORRIBLY TAKES AND TAKES AND TAKES AT YOU UNTIL THE ONLY THING LEFT IS GREED. IT'S GREED, YOUR DOWNFALL, YOU WANT ALL OF IT, MONEY, POWER. YOU WANT TO SWALLOW IT WHOLE JUST TO THROW IT UP AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BREAK DOWN CONCEPTS THAT ARE KNOWN AS FACTS.

you want to eat the earth and you want then to watch, you wander the thing in the cracks, the boys and girls that made fun of you, the people that never understood, that never will understand and you want then to stare as you take away their light and make it yours.

it's wrong, they say. to want things like that. like they're yours to want; like you deserve to exist because there's something different about you and you know it even if everyone is too scared to say and and and maybe they're right. maybe every biting word, every backhanded compliment, every fear in your chest. maybe every star will die and maybe your too stupid too immature too young to really see why it's impossible because your dreams are too high and it'll hurt when you fall off that ladder from the top step. so yeah; maybe they're right. you dreams and hopes are as worthless as dirt, so maybe they're right. but maybe they're wrong.

MAYBE THEY'RE ALL LIARS WHO ARE JUST AS SCARED AS YOU ARE MAYBE PEOPLE ARE RIGHT WHEN THEY SAY KIDS ARE CRUEL BUT MAYBE THEY'RE WRONG TO. behavior is learned. THERE ARE STUDIES AND STUDIES TO PROVE IT SO, SO MAYBE WE SHOULD TEACH CHILDREN THAT BELIEFS ARE BELIEFS AND THAT IF THEY DO NOT ANYONE THEN MAYBE THEY SHOULD JUST BE. maybe we shouldn't. ban it all. set the stage on fire because it's easier to give up then to fight. it's also easier for them. IT'S EASIER TO DROP YOUR DREAMS AT THE DOOR AND PRETEND THAT THEY ARE NOT REAL, THAT THEY ARE JUST SAND TIED IN CLOTH BECAUSE IT'S EASIER. and it is.

so maybe you should give up.

(don't you want to know, though? what would have happened if you tried. don't you?)

maybe you should stay like that. LET THE NIGHTMARES BECOME ALL THERE IS AND LET IT SWALLOW YOU LIKE YOU HAVE NOT SPENT YEARS SHARPENING YOUR TEETH AND LEARNING TO BITE BACK. maybe the hand that feeds deserves to be bitten when it takes away the food, maybe the helping hand deserves to be bitten when it when it becomes hurting, not helping. and maybe maybe maybe you deserve you feel safe, and maybe you deserve to stand your ground and cry your lungs out until they spill out of your mouth and you've gone mute from sobbing so hard. maybe you deserve that and more.

you don't have that right now, though. you've got chipped teeth and eyes puffy from crying yourself to sleep so often. YOU'VE GOT BLOOD ON YOUR FINGERTIPS BECAUSE YOU BIT YOUR NAILS SO SO SO LOW THAT THE SKIN PEELED BACK TO REVEAL A monster THAT HIDES IN YOUR VEINS IN YOUR CLOTHES it lives in your brain AND WE ALL KNOW THAT IT NEVER SHUTS UP, LYING AND LYING AND LYING ABOUT US; MAKING UP GOD AWFUL CONSPIRACIES ABOUT THE BODY IT'S HIDING IN. you pick at your skin so the monster might bleed out. it just hurts, though, do you stop.

your getting better now. holding your hand. looking yourself in the mirror, you joke, now.

so far so good.