איך בין נעבעכדיק איך איז געבוירן אויב עס איז קיין קאַנסאַליישאַן

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by karmauh

by karmauh

i like it better when the words are in another tongue, my first one. cut from mouth; i try to stitch it back, try to taste the words.

there's a word in evrit that translated to yiddish, i learnt in a place / i rather wish i never was / a piece of you / god-given, i'm afraid / it's forever golden and holy, and that part goes to heaven and / you only go with it / if you keep it divine.

myyn nyshuma ; dyyn nyshuma / my heart ; your soul ; "ARE YOU HOLY YET?" ; ghost thing / raging teeth you've dyed red, ack byyn goynysht. my body / has dusted into / sand like a dream / gone rotten. nineteen twenties apartment / by the trainside.

WE PUT THE FUN BACK INTO DYSFUNCTTIONAL / LOVELY LITTLE HANDS THAT / SIP CHAMPAGNE AND TAKE PURIM GELT / AND GET DRUNK IN THE CORNER OF A ROOM / AT A PARTY. LITTLE BOY-GIRL-THING DO YOU / DO YOU DREAM OF LAVENDER / AND SMOKESCREENS / AND MAKING RICE BECAUSE / YOU'RE HUNGRY / WELL? / DO YOU? //

DO THE LAUNDRY AT / FOUR AM / BECAUSE THE ANXIETY'LL HOLD ME LIKE PATERNALISM OVER A / COLONIAL BASIS. i'm all soggy bones and chipped teeth. lonely little faker.

איר בין גוונישט.

i won't tell you, how it takes up all of my chest / like a weapon made of / hurtful things / broken teeth / drum sets and pom poms and shabbes koydesh / expectations like a noose i wore like / a neckless / pretend the weight really is / a crown some queen would wear / i always wanted to be / THE KNIGHT. not / the king / regal and proud / or the prince / or his princess / i wanted to hold a sword / and set the world / on fire.

(( do you // ever dream (that) sometimes // you could /m e/l t/ become something so [UGLY] that you // could leave (and never) come back // and nobody would have noticed // you were gone? really?))

but really i am― ―saw dust dreams and lilac hopes ; head in the clouds ; my second mouth ; is sour ; tongue curled black // the complete absorption of light // like some kind of rotten thing ; baked - bananas - and - stardust - between - our - sins. my mami make pancakes on SUNDAY with my dreams while everything goes to hell || i wonder what people think when they see their parents age. my mami hasn't changed faces for a decade. tsen yar nito―

―IT'S all artificial. a fake kind of reassurance
that i'm not losing myself
to the stress

∆
shoulders knotting up, brain twitching, squint my eyes when i force my lips up so it looks real i'm not • חוצפהדין • i'm not i promise i promise!
∆

אין מינדסטער איך האָבן איר צו ליבע מיר ווען איך בין ניטאָ, רעכט?