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i think that when you were younger things were different. you could scream around the house for hours, watch the same things without getting bored, sleep at seven-twenty p.m. without a problem━━━though what i'm talking about is from ages ago & you likely won't remember a thing; i miss the before. when your father and i would toss you round the house━━━you and your brother loved that. it's kinda dumb to think about now that your father is gone and my eldest boy is dead & you hide pain from me. i don't know how, i probably never will.
baby, i love you. since you were born━━━you were so small that it hurt to look at you. but it was better than the last. your brother was tiny, so thin and frail, like a human skeleton. like the man you've adopted. i'm not supposed to know about him, i'm not supposed to know about lots. baby, if you tell me i'll stay quiet. your trusts been broken & shattered into fine powder and i'd kill myself soon before i hurt you intentionally. like your father and my husband have. that man is a stranger, married to his work moreso than his wife. it's so wierd now that you're older, baby you look like him tinted green.
i won't hold it, he's gone like smoking campfire heat dusted by winter. ashes draped over tin foil & some warped perception of happiness. you're so miserable and so was your brother. he was a good one, that boy━━━so delicate and kind & lovely. lonely too; hurt all over with bruises. i left burn-cream and ice packs in the fridge & if you came to me i would have fought tooth & nail for your safety. you didn't, and neither did he and he's gone.
my lips taste like liquor but i've never liked the way it burns. my poison of choice used to be cigarettes, but your father got me off those when i was pregnant. worst times of my life, but i could taste the air and not the smoke on my teeth.
your brother━━━my snowflake and starlight wrapped in skin and achingly thin bones stretched so loosely over plastic veins━━━he's gone. blood married to the crown of his head and fractures and crevices breaking away at his skin. he was such a nice kid too, always so worried and sickly. that boy stole my heart just as much as he did my affinity for warmth. that's why i fell for your father, i think. he wasn't sweet in any sense of the word, but he loved me, once. i think i wanted it more than he gave.
when you were both littler, less shattered, i'd hold you in my arms
(i think that when you were younger, more naive, things were different. you could scream around the house for hours━━━in joy of all things, you'd watch the same things without getting bored, sleep at seven-twenty-one p.m. without a problem━━━though what i'm talking about is from ages ago & you likely won't remember a thing; i miss the before. when your father and i would toss you both━━━you both, because there's one gone now━━━round the house, you and your brother loved that. it's kinda dumb to think about now that your father is gone and my eldest boy is dead & you hide pain from me. i don't know how, i probably never will. mothers instincts i think.
darling, i love you. since you were born━━━you were so small that it hurt to look at you. but it was better than the last. your brother was tiny, so thin and frail, like a human skeleton. like the man you've adopted. i'm not supposed to know about him, i'm not supposed to know about lots. darling, if you tell me i'll stay quiet. your trusts been broken & shattered into fine powder and i'd kill myself soon before i hurt you intentionally. like your father and my husband have. that man is a stranger, married to his work moreso than his wife. it's so wierd now that you're older, darling you look like him tinted green.
i won't hold it against you, he's gone like smoking campfire heat dusted by winter's reign. ashes draped over tinned foil & some warped perception of happiness or love. you're so miserable and so was your brother. he was a good one, that boy. little one in heartheld sorrow━━━so delicate and kind & lovely. lonely too; hurt all over with bruises. i left burn-cream and ice packs in the fridge & if you came to me i would have fought tooth & nail for your safety. you didn't, and neither did he and he's gone.
my lips taste like liquor but i've never liked the way it burns. my poison of choice used to be cigarettes, but your father got me off those when i was pregnant. worst times of my life, but i could taste the air and not the smoke on my teeth. i think your brother liked the taste of smoke too, licking away at his skin.
your brother━━━my snowflake and starlight wrapped in skin and achingly thin bones stretched so loosely over plastic veins━━━he's gone. blood married to the crown of his head and fractures and crevices breaking away at his skin. he was such a nice kid too, always so worried and sickly. that boy stole my heart just as much as he did my affinity for warmth. that's why i fell for your father, i think. he wasn't sweet in any sense of the word, but he loved me, once. i think i wanted it more than he gave.)
when you were both littler, less shattered, i'd hold you in my arms.
