Beautiful Apparation (Tony Perry FF)

fourty-four

My relationship with Jaime is a mess. I just realized that. Actually, I've been knowing, it's just I didn't want to admit it to myself. Now that I am, I feel even more guilty than ever.

He sits up in the bed, and I follow after him. This is how it always is after we did stuff. It's a comforting silence, until he speaks. Most the time time he apologizes.

"Sorry," Jaime says as he tries to catch his breath.

There it is.

"You don't have to apologize every time we have sex," I sigh. "I'm gonna go." I try getting up but his hand grabs mine. I turn a little surprised, he usually lets me leave without any questions. "Yes?"

"What are we?"

I think about what I'm going to say before opening my mouth. "Why does this have to be a label?"

"It's been a month," He reminds.

Has it really been a month? I haven't even kept track. Ever since Vic told me to better myself, I stopped worrying about almost everything. I stopped counting the days Tony has been gone. Kyle drifted from my mind. Everything changed.

"If it really means that much to you-"

"I don't want you feel like you have to commit to anything. I'm just confused as to what we're doing. We barely talk anymore, and when we do it doesn't last long, cause this." He gestures to himself and I.

"Don't take this the wrong way." I begin to put on my bra and underwear. "But I'm not ready for a serious relationship."

"Who hurt you?" He suddenly asks.

I throw on my shirt and put one leg into my jeans. "What do you mean?"

"Someone must have hurt you, otherwise you wouldn't be doing this."

"Just be happy that I'm getting better now. I've been trying to avoid everything else. I'm content, so leave it alone." I get defensive.

"So, what am I? A distraction from 'everything else?' What does that even mean Audrey? This past month I've been trying to see past those eyes of yours, and you won't let me in. Why? Who hurt you?"

"It doesn't matter anymore! He's gone. My life has been shit ever since he left and the only reason why I'm still breathing is because I made a promise. I made a promise to get better, and that's what I've been trying to do. I try every single damn day, but I feel myself falling back into the same situation. I'm sorry Jaime, but I need to go."

I hate crying in front of people.

I let myself go once I get into the car. The last time I broke down like this was when I thought I lost Kyle. For what reasons I'm crying now, for everything I guess.

What is everything? Let me go down the list.

Tony's gone.

Kyle's gone.

I'm sleeping with someone who should be just my best friend, nothing more.

My friends have been giving me space, but I don't need space. I need someone to keep me occupied.

I'm also tired of using Jaime for my own personal game.

I'm sick of myself.

Tony was the only love I found, and I hoped that he would stay. He didn't, and I let him go. I was stupid enough to let the only thing that made me happy go so easily. At first I thought it was for my own good, and for a moment I thought I made the right decision, boy was I wrong.