Mi Amor - Oscar 'Spooky' Diaz/On my block Story

38

Elly's view

I sat in the car driving to our new place. The seat belt cut a little bit inside my heavily pregnant stomach. And once again the thought came to my mind what happens with my little angel if I have an accident. Would she survive it? Or would she get hurt by stated seatbelt? Out of reflex I drove a little slower.

Such thoughts were new to me. I never had them before I was pregnant and honestly it scared the shit out of me to be soon responsible for a real feeling and breathing living being. Thousand things could happen and I was prepared for 10 of them maximum.

The only thing calming me down was the thought that I'm not going through this alone. I had Oscar, who's a great great father. Already now before our little girl is born.

To calm down I concentrated on this thought. Today was the day of our departure. And soon all 3 of us would live in our new place and we would live the life we always dreamt of. I pictured my daughter running to Oscar as soon as he opens the door coming from work in his own restaurant, screaming „Papá" and hugging his neck so strong that he needs to pick her up and carry her back to me.

In the morning, when I sat in the car and nodded my head to the rhythm of the songs in the radio, I didn't knew how different everything would turn out.

But now I knew. Now I knew that Oscar would never pick up his daughter. Touch her soft skin or tickle her small feet. He would never see her taking her first steps and cry with her as she falls. He would never hear her saying „Papá" the first time and hug and kiss her in excitement. He would never see all those precious moments. Birthdays, Christmas, first school day, graduation. He never got the chance to scare off boys interested in his little girl, or to walk her to the aisle on her wedding day after one of these boys met his expectations.

Tears rolled down my face. I can't think about that. I can't. My pillow was soaking wet and I felt the lump in my throat getting bigger and bigger.

And these thoughts were  just the top of the iceberg. The loss my daughter suffers from, to never meet her father... it was unimaginable for me. It was not real. It couldn't be real. I couldn't be alone in this fucked up world. I always had him by my side and suddenly he's just away? How is that even possible?

His last call. He sounded so happy telling me that Cesar finally decided to come with us. I knew he felt like on top of the world, having everything he ever wished for. And some minutes later I get the call that he's dead.

How can a human understand this? Accept this? Overcome this? I can't.

Everybody tells me that the pain will get less with time. If I got a dollar for every time someone said „Time heals every wound" in the last days, I would be rich.

I know they just say it to calm me down. They are worried about me. About my baby girl. Worried I collapse again. I understand their worry, because I feel like collapsing every second.

The sound of the door opening, pulls me out of my thoughts. I concentrate on the door, but because of my tears I just see a blurred figure standing in the door frame.

Quickly I wipe away my tears.
Cesar: „You cried again."

Elly: „What else am I supposed to do in the goddamn silence of this room. Y'all are out there dealing with this shitty situation your own way. But I'm left tied to this bed, alone with nothing but my thoughts. And let me tell you, my thoughts aren't the best company these days."