Tommyinnit Oneshots

And You Were There

This is a story inspired by the works of Richard Siken for a dear friend of mine
——

You are sitting at a table
A bare wooden table
You aren't alone
You sit with shadows and ghosts
Mere phantoms of the past
You lean back to look at the sky
You are in a chair
Middle of nowhere, in a chair
Do you remember that chair?
You are standing up
The chair is gone
The table is gone
The person is gone
You stand alone
Someone grips your arm
They smile
You can't see their face
But they smile
You know they smile
They drag you away
From that table
From that chair
From that person
There is another person
They grab your hand
Someone grabs your neck
They are choking you
Except they aren't
You hold them
Someone has your arm
Someone holds your hand
And you hold them
There are colors in your eyes
A liquid spills across a table
Not the table
A table
You clean it up
You all clean it up
Except, it just two of you
Now there is more of you
Someone is crying
You can't tell if it's tears
Or a battle cry
A man stands in front of you
You are in a chair
Not the chair
A chair
Do you remember your chair?
Doesn't matter
You hold metal
You hold metal and liquid
You hold metal and liquid and fire
They don't hate you
Do you hate them?
Doesn't matter
They are gone
Except they aren't
They are in your head
That was where they always were
You take off your coat
You put away the metal
You stand in the shadows
The shadow of a dream
The shadow of a man
That man takes both your hands
He's smiling
He's smiling and you can't look away
He has an idea
Now you're running
People are behind you
Someone lets go of your hand
He's gone
Don't
Don't look
Don't look back
There is nothing back there
Not for you
It isn't for you
The man is holding fire
He holds fire and demands blood
You are scared
Scared of what?
Tell us what you're scared of
Can you do that?
You try
No, you don't try
You play along
Is it playing?
You hate that man
You love the other man
Who is who?
Who do you love?
Who do you hate?
Can you tell anymore?
What's the difference, you ask
The person you loved before is gone
He isn't holding your hand
The man is gone, too
Where are your allies?
You don't know?
What did you do?
Die
Die like
Die like one
He said it
You heard him
He screamed it
Who could you not?
But you don't die
Not here
It isn't time
Your friend is back
But he can't hold your hand
He holds a country's hand
He holds a symphony's hand
It's unfinished
But he doesn't care
So neither do you
Have you grieved?
No? You haven't?
Why don't you?
You don't answer
You have a new friend
He isn't your friend
He thinks you are
You think you are
You fall
He isn't holding your hand
So you fall
Down
Down
Down
Down
Down
Someone catches you
It's the guy you hate and love!
Look, it's the other guy
You know the one
The one you hate and love
Is he your friend?
Tell us, is he?
They laugh at you
They laugh and laugh and laugh
Because they don't care
They care enough to laugh
Is that any better?
It's hot
You aren't holding fire
The fire is holding you
It holds you tight
But you don't die
Not here
It isn't your time
There is too much light
Too much sound
Is this familiar?
Where is your home?
Do you remember your home?
It doesn't matter
It's gone
All of it is gone
They don't care
Do a flip, someone said
You would have laughed
Laugh
But you can't
You don't remember how
You remember how to fall
So you plummet
Into the cold waters below
Is this familiar?
You would wake up like this
You don't die
Not here
It isn't your time
You crawl away
You are standing in snow
You are drowning in it
Someone grabs you
Look, people came for you
Why is there so many of them?
Why does everyone care?
They don't
They aren't there, remember?
There is only one guy there
And he hates you
Does he?
Not anymore
He shelters you
He doesn't smile at you
You wish he would
You stare at his face
Why won't he take your hand?
Why won't he hug you?
He doesn't
And you leave
And he's mad
Why is he mad?
Did you know he would he mad?
Doesn't matter
Your home is gone
Again
Your friends are gone
They like each other more
Your fault
It was all your fault
But you won't admit it is
So they try to kill you
Not your friends
Other people
Lots of people
Look, it's the man you love and hate
He has your stuff
He has your life
How will you save it?
Sacrifice your friend?
But you don't want to
You win
Against all odds, you win
But it doesn't feel right
You are aching inside
And nobody cares
He does
He's new
Do you know him?
Not really? That's fine
He likes you
He actually likes you
Despite everything
He may even love you
He doesn't
He hates you
He let you die
And for what?
Nobody cares
You see people again
Shadows
You're at some table
Not the table
Not a table
It was some table
You hate the people
They hate you
At least, they did
Now, they don't care
You come back
He hates you
They don't care about you
You are alone
You burn yourself
They look at you with worried eyes
They care about you
You know that now
You're crying
You feel warm
You aren't holding fire
The fire isn't holding you
You sit around it with friends
That's what they are
And you're happy
Until you aren't
Because he's back
He loves you
He hates you
At least, you know for sure
He wants you with him
Someone else wants you
They don't care about you
You're alone
Again
But you can't give up on people
That's your advice
That was what you told your kid
That was what you told that god
Live well, Tommy
We love you