ECLIPSE *An Abusive Relationship* || JEON JUNGKOOK

THE PAST

Y/N's POV

Most people feel nervous or stressed at some point, but when you're living with anxiety, that restless feeling never really fully goes away. My anxiety disorder came on both slowly and all at once. For a while, I'd written off those feelings as nerves or stress and attempted to keep them under control with regular workouts. Then suddenly, some major life changes made my anxiety feel insurmountable.

It started with sleepless nights

I started to take notice when anxiety made it near-impossible to fall asleep. My brain was constantly whirring like a clunky old ghost train—with no off-switch—which meant I was never fully rested for work. I started to feel as though my chest was tight and filled with fear, my stomach wouldn't stop fluttering, and that I'd never be able to organize my thought process or my life.

A few months ago, my sister passed away. Tommorow is her anniversary.

Well, not the anniversary of her death. It's her birthday, which we celebrate now as a kind of anniversary, even though it's really not. Well, I guess it kind of is.

Sorry, I'm not really making a lot of sense.

I lost my sister when I was 20. My older sister, Ji Na, was 26 when she died. Although we had a six-year age difference, we were really close. When I was a kid, I absolutely idolized her. She was always so beautiful, so funny, so smart.... I wanted to be just like her. Sadly, I seemed to lack all of my sister's grace, charm, and charisma. But I thought it didn't matter, as long as I could be by her side.

My sister taught me everything, from makeup and fashion to Spanish and Calculus (the two subjects in which I was hopeless). She was there for all the firsts in my life: my first steps, my first pair of glasses, my first boyfriend, and subsequently, my first break-up (only a week later, how lame is that?).

I suffered a pretty bad breakdown when I got the news about her death.

It was the kind of thing that could happen to anybody, which somehow made it worse.

Just like that.

The night I found out, I screamed myself hoarse. I called her phone over and over, always getting the same chipper voicemail. I sent her texts, mean ones, too, telling her to answer her fucking phone, dammit, I was sick of her stupid fucking jokes.

It took a while for the news to really sink in.

You know, a lot of people say that when someone dies, you can still feel their spirit near you. Maybe they even come to visit you or something. Well, when Ji Na died, I didn't feel anything like that. I couldn't feel her hand on my shoulder while I cried at the cemetery. I didn't feel her hugging me as I struggled to choose something among her things that I could keep as a memento.

How do you even do that, by the way? Choose just one or two things to help you remember someone for the rest of your life?

Anyway, I couldn't feel her at all. She was there one day, and then she wasn't. It was like there was a big hole missing in my life, a hole that wasn't even aware of its own existence.

Of course, I did have some strange dreams after her death.

The first few weeks after her death, the dreams were all about the same. She would show up in them, much to my shock and horror. She'd quickly explain that everything that had happened was a nightmare, or a misunderstanding, and that she was fine, nothing had really happened. I'd always believe her, of course. And for a short time, we'd be together as normal, although there was always this undercurrent of pain and sadness that I didn't understand until I woke up and recognized reality for what it was once again.