Meet me again - (Sarah Paulson)

CUT

TW - Self Harm, Depression, Eating-Disorder

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The alarm woke me up with a start at 7:00am. I opened slowly my eyes, and remembered what I did last night. I passed my fingers across my wrist, my fresh scars weren't painful and I was a bit disappointed, because it means I would do it again, deeper. Deep down I knew it wasn't okay to self harm, but I couldn't stop, it was so addictive.

I stood up a bit fast and I felt dizzy. It was probably because I didn't eat for nearly 2 days. The last food I ate was a few bites of vegetables and an apple, on Monday's lunch. Since, I didn't put a foot in the cafeteria, and no one noticed it.

I put on a white long sleeved turtle neck with black writing, and above a long white tee-shirt with the face of Al Pacino in Scarface. I love this movie, so I love this tee-shirt. I just put on black pants and black and white Jordan's. I let my straight her down and I brushed my bangs, like everyday.

Wednesday was so long. I wanted to cut all day but I couldn't, I was never alone, I didn't have enough time to do it. So when my roommates decided to watch a movie, I knew they would sleep late, and I was already so tired, I just wanted to cut, It was all I was thinking about. But I couldn't do it in the bedroom, otherwise my roommate would see it. So I went outside, on the schoolyard. It was already 10:00pm, so I thought I would be alone. No one is walking outside at this time.

I went in a little place I like to go, behind the last building of the high school. It is dark but an automatic light turns on if there is movement. I sat and waited for the light to turn off. Then, I took my blade, and a little smile grew on my face. I waited this moment all day. So without delay, I did it, more than usual, more than on my thighs. The blood was streaming on the floor. I was careful not to stain my clothes and I cut again. More blood, more cuts, less clean spots on my left arm. I took a handkerchief to stop the bleeding but I wanted to see the blood flow so I dropped the handkerchief and put the blade on my wrist again when I heard a "Hello ?" and some slow steps and the light turned on. I saw Miss Paulson, standing right in front of me, horrified.

"Oh my goodness, honey, what did you do ?!"

I rolled down my sleeve even if it was too late to hide it. Blood was already soaking my white sleeve, so Miss Paulson took quickly the handkerchief and put it on my arm while grabbing my wrist with a grip to stop the bleeding. She was trying to look at me in the eyes but I avoided her look until she said "Honey, stand up, we need to clean all this up."

Still staring at the floor, I stood up and Miss Paulson put her right arm around my waist, still holding the handkerchief on my left wrist. We walked in the direction of the bathroom, and I couldn't realize that someone just saw me self harm. I was embarrassed but the warm arm of Ms. Paulson around my waist made me feel a bit more comfortable. She seemed a bit shocked but she was whispering things like "It's okay, you're okay. I'm going to help you. You're so brave, keep walking sweetheart." in my ears. And it was the first time since so long that I felt something, I felt supported.