PANIC ATTACK

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TW - Eating-Disorder, Panic Attack

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I didn't wait long until the meal came. It was big, even for someone who usually eat normally. I was very scared, and at the moment I smelled the food, I felt sick. Ms Paulson, who didn't released my hand since the school when I passed out, few hours ago, squeezed it. It felt a bit reassuring but the fear of eating was bigger. Dr Robbins asked me if I needed to go to the bathroom, because I won't be allowed to go after my meal, in case I wanted to make myself throwing up the food. I said no and she put the tray in front of me. The smell was so strong, it made me want to puck.

"Come on, you can do it baby girl" said nicely Ms Paulson. I looked at her with big sad eyes, and she looked at me with a slight smile. "You can do it" she replied.

I was very afraid, but I tried to take it upon myself, so I took the fork but Dr Robbins noticed that my hand was shaking, and she wrote it down. I suddenly drop the fork because of the shaking, and the noise of it falling in the cold floor made me flich. I instantly started to cry my eyes out.

"Please, don't make me do that, don't make me eat ! It's too much, I can't take it !" at this point, I was screaming. "Hey, hey, calm down Gabrielle, squeeze my hand." Ms Paulson said, trying to appease me. I did it and I calmed down a bit.

"Try again honey." She demanded, still holding my hand and looking at me with those big dark eyes of her. It was convincing, I can tell that she was really trying to help me. So I took the fork again, and I pricked at a small piece of potato. I was still shaking but I managed to take the food to my lips. The smell was stronger under my nose so I stopped breathing, and I waited, for I don't know what, maybe for something to happen, to take me off of this situation. But Ms Paulson was still here, pushing me. "Come on honey, take this bite, you will feel so much better after, I promise."

So I believed her. I opened my mouth and I slowly placed the little piece of potato on my tongue. I chewed for a long time until I couldn't handle the taste anymore so I swallowed very roughly as I was making a face of disgust.

"Great ! You see ? You did it ! I'm so proud of you sweetheart." I gently smiled at Ms Paulson. She was so encouraging.

"Now, take another bite."

I froze. I totally forgot about the rest of the plate, for me it was over, but I just ate 1% of my plate. And there was as well a dessert, a dairy product, and a snack. I was so shocked, my stomach was already feeling full, I couldn't handle another bite. But a whole meal ?! Never. I started shaking again, but this time harder. Dr Robbins and Ms Paulson noticed it. Dr Robbins came closer to me and said "Gabrielle, you really have to eat, you are severely underweight and underfeed. It insn't an option." She was stern but warm at the same time, but I didn't listened to what she said and I started to breath very quickly and with difficulty. Tears were forming in my eyes and I suddenly let go the hand of Ms Paulson, holding my chest like my heart was going to fall.

"Gabrielle, look at me, calm down honey, calm down" Ms Paulson said, trying to reach my hand. But I removed my hand so that she couldn't reach it and put it again on my chest. I was breathing very heavily and Dr Robbins took the oxygen that was standing in case something happened. She tried to put it against my face but I abruptly pushed it out of my face. I didn't want anyone or anything to touch me, I needed to concentrate on my breath but it was too difficult because of the full meal tray in front of me. I tried to push it away but Dr Robbins put it back in front of me.

"Stop !!! Let me alone ! Put it away pleeeeaaase I can't breath..." I said while breathing rapidly. But she let it where it was. I started to panic harder. I was sobbing and nearly not breathing. I could feel my heart beating so loudly and fast in my chest. Ms Paulson put one hand on my knee and the other one on the tray, to put it closer to me.

"Breath Gabrielle, deep breath you'll be okay, I need you to breath so you can finish your meal."

It was too much, I didn't want anyone or anything to touch me and as soon as Dr Robbins put her hand on my shoulder, I scream "GET AWAY FROM ME" I was gasping for air but the only blast I was breathing was the smell of the food. I was moving very violently and all of a sudden, I gave a big blow in the tray, to push it out of my sight. Dr Robbins took a step back, and Ms Paulson let go of my knee. I stopped moving but I was shaking and my breathing was still heavy. Food was all over the floor, even on the gown of Dr Robbins who was a bit shocked, but not as shocked as Ms Paulson. As I was still gasping for air, some nurses and Dr Wilson entered the room, attracted by the noise the tray made when it hit the floor.

Dr Robbins walked to the nurses. "Go take something to clean that up while I'm trying to calm her down". Then she turned toward Dr Wilson "She is having a bad panic attack, we need to stop it now." They both walked back to me and Ms Paulson who was standing next to me, few steps behind, very shocked and tears filled in her eyes.

I wasn't myself, I was sobbing, gasping for air and shaking very badly. The room was getting dark and my head was spinning. I knew I was going to collapse again, because I was running out of air.

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