Meet me again - (Sarah Paulson)

DYING

TW : Eating Disorder, Self-Harm, Depression

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The first days were not that bad. I had a lot of work to do so I hadn't the time to think about how I was really feeling. But quickly I started to feel exhausted. I couldn't concentrate on my school work and I was always tired, but unable to sleep. I was just lying on my bed all night and most of the day, when my classes weren't mandatory.

Then I relapsed again. Every day I was drawing new lines on my thighs, my wrists and even my stomach. My arms were covered in old scars and fresh wounds, there were no place left so I kept cutting on wounds, making deeper cuts.

On top of that, I totally stopped eating, I was drinking energy drinks and eating only a piece of apple when I was about to pass out.

I stayed like that for a week and then I called my college to inform them that I was sick, so I was able to stay at home all day. I wasn't opening my curtains, I was living in a dark room all day, and I was barely moving. My blade wasn't even leaving my hand and my phone was dead at this point.

So I spent three weeks, barely alive on my tiny apartment, without giving any news to anyone. Sarah did try to call me but she was so busy with her trip that she couldn't call me often and as my phone was dead she really didn't heard of me during a month. I knew she would be worry but as I was so weak, I couldn't think of how concerned she must have been.

But it's when she tried to call my college to ask about me that she really began to panic. They said to her that I called because I was sick three weeks ago and since, they didn't hear anything about me, and as I didn't have any close friends, they weren't able to check on me.

Sarah came back from her school trip and didn't take the time to tied up her things. She immediately drove to my apartment.

She knocked at my door few times, but I was so weak and my thoughts were spiraling so hardly that I didn't heard her. She tried to call me but I heard nothing, I was stuck, I couldn't move, I couldn't speak... But Sarah remembered she had also the keys of my apartment so she unlocked it and stepped in my apartment.

"Gabrielle ? Honey where are you?" She asked looking for me, but I still couldn't understand her. It was just like a very far echo.

She walked in my dark apartment and nearly fell on something.

"Gosh Gabrielle what a mess !" She yelled from my small living room. She went to the kitchen to see that it was totally clean, on the contrary to the rest of my place. She started to think that something was wrong.

"Gabrielle ?" She asked again, and she went to my bedroom. She slowly pushed the door open and the light from outside my bedroom allowed her to see me. She gasped when she discovered her little girl, pale and skinny, laying on a messy bed, wearing shorts and short sleeved tee-shirt allowing her to see my body covering in cuts, more or less recent.

When she approached me, I didn't move. My eyes were a bit open, so she figured out I wasn't sleeping. She turned around my bed, looking at my bedroom. There were empty cans of energy drinks, tissues stained in blood like my bed sheets, clothes everywhere... It was kind of chocking.

Sarah then went close to me, slowly realizing what had happened the previous weeks. She couldn't see well because of the darkness of the room so she opened the curtains and I closed my eyes because the I found the light agressive. She turned back to me again and sat next to me on the edge of my bed.

"Oh honey" She said while discovering my cuts all over my arms and thighs. She reached for stroking my head but I flinched a little so she analyzed my face and discovered how pale I was.

She paused for a second, looking at me and around me, trying to figure out what happened and trying to keep it together, because she was so choked, concerned and sad.

"What did you do" Sarah asked, knowing I wouldn't answer, and letting go a single tear.

She tried to hold me again but I flinched a bit more and I felt tears filling my eyes. As Sarah lifted my weak body, tears started streaming down my cheeks, without any sounds coming out from me. I wasn't sobbing, my face was emotionless, only tears were slowly covering my sick face. Sarah was able to put me in her lap easily because I was very skinny, and she noticed it as well. She stroke my back for few minutes, wondering what she was going to do and soothing things at my ears as "I'm here now. You're okay. I won't leave you."