Meet me again - (Sarah Paulson)

FIGHT

TW - Suicide, Self-Harm, Bullying

--

Days passed after the last event of the bathroom. We didn't talk about it after the day it happened and it seemed I hadn't lost Sarah's trust. But my bad habits were back. Not the ones related to eating, but the ones related to self harm. I was cutting again, but I was trying not to leave big scars. I was cutting multiples times a day, and Sarah wasn't noticing anything. As I was still sleeping in her bedroom, and her on the couch, I could have my privacy. We set new rules like I was able to stay in the bathroom how many time I wanted, and I was able to leave the apartment when I wanted, without inform her when it was daylight outside.

Today I had decided to go outside on a walk , as usual. I was walking on a very busy street and my anxiety was growing inside me. But I was stronger than before, and I kept repeating to myself 'You can do it, you can walk by yourself and buy clothes by yourself, and anxiety doesn't define you. You can do it.'

I stopped in a new shop on the main avenue. I stepped in because it was very pretty outside. When I walked in, a saw few people of my school but I ignored them. I started looking at the clothes when I heard people whispering in my back. I didn't turn but I listened to them, still looking at the clothes.

"It's her, she leaves with Ms Paulson." "Who ?" "Ms Paulson, the new English teacher." "Liar !" "I swear ! I saw them leaving the same place, and not only one time." They were surprised and they laughed.

"Do you think she is her daughter ?" Asked one of them. "No she isn't, she was here before Paulson". Answered another one. "Maybe they're lovers ?" They all burst in laughs. "But she is so weird, who would like to date her ?" They kept laughing at me, thinking I couldn't hear them. But in fact, I heard everything and tears were streaming slowly down my cheeks.

When it was too much for me, I ran to a fitting room and I took a blade I had bought, to be sure Sarah wouldn't notice that I had taken the one from her razor. I cut a bit, but then I heard the same students came into the fitting rooms. They were still talking and laughing about me, so I suddenly ran outside the store and came back to the apartment. I've had let the clothes laying stained in blood in the fitting room but it didn't matter. I opened the door violently and ran into the bathroom. I locked the door and took my biggest and sharpest blade. I didn't even sat, I just pulled up my sleeves and started cutting. My cuts were deep this time. Blood streamed on my wrist and on the floor. I started crying because it was painful but I kept going. As blood was all over my wrist I put the blade on my other hand and started to cut my other wrist, even deeper.

Blood was now all over my arms, and the floor as well as my clothes. I started to feel dizzy because I was losing a lot of blood. I just sat quietly on the floor, resting my head against the cupboard. I just had the time to hear the front door opening and closing and I saw all black.

As I was nearly unconscious, Sarah was back from work.

"Hey honey ! I'm home ! I grabbed you some french pastries !"

But as I wasn't answering she came to the bedroom, and I wasn't in it. She started to worry and went to open the door of the bathroom, but I had locked it.

"Gabrielle you know what we said last time. Open the door please." She demanded.

No sound was heard, so she tried again, starting to panic this time.

"Gabrielle I know you're in here, please open the door !"

She was drumming at the door by now and I could only hear stifled and distant sounds.

"Gabrielle !!! Open the door !!" She screamed as she was trying to force and break the lock.

She succeeded after few tries and opened the door. Then she saw me, lying on the floor, blood all over my motionless body. She ran to me as tears were filling her eyes.

"Oh no Gabrielle what did you do" At this point she was crying.

"My poor baby, open your eyes for me I beg you"

I could heard her but I was so weak to move. I slowly half-opened my eyes and she noticed it.

"Oh God ! Gabrielle please fight, I'm here now fight for me !" She asked as she grabbed in one hand two towels and in the other one her phone. She typed 911 and waited. She was looking at me with tears running down her cheeks as she was trying to stop the bleeding with the towels.

"Please sweetheart fight for me, I love you."

As I heard the last thing, everything became clearer. I really needed to get better, at least for her. She was like a mother figure for me since the first time I met her and I suddenly understood she was feeling the same for me.

"Please baby girl, fight !" She wiped her own tears, trying not to put blood on her face, and she continued. "You're like a daughter for me, like my daughter. I don't have any children but there you are. I want the best for you my sweet girl..." But she was stopped by someone on the other end of the line.

"911 what's your emergency ?"