Meet me again - (Sarah Paulson)

LONELINESS

TW - Self-Harm, Eating Disorder, Vomit (purging)

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I started cutting again. The first week at college was rough, the teachers weren't like in high school, we were working by ourselves and no one was here to check if everything was fine. And as a matter of fact, I wasn't fine. I was cutting everyday, at night when I couldn't sleep, and I was starving most of the days.

On Friday afternoon, after my last class, Sarah came to pick me up for the week-end.

"Hi my sweet girl." She said kissing my forehead. "How was your week baby ?"

"Mmmh... Fine." I replied quietly. But Sarah just thought that I was tired because of college.

Sarah did all the talking in the car. I just stared at the window, not really listening to what she was saying. When we arrived at home, I smelled a very good smell.

"Can you guess what I did for dinner ?" Sarah asked exciting for me to find out.

I gulped as I recognized the specific smell of chicken and curry, one of my favorite meal. But I wasn't hungry, I felt nauseous quickly so I ran into the bathroom and I refreshed my face with cold water. I didn't lock the door so Sarah stepped in.

"You're okay Gabrielle ??" She asked worried.

"Yes, I'm sorry I feel a bit sick. I think it's the tiredness, nothing more don't worry." I answered as I saw her worried face.

(BIG TW)

We went to the dinning room and she gave me a full plate of chicken. I didn't say anything about the quantity because I didn't want to alert Sarah. We ate in silence and when I was finish I excused myself and I ran to my own bathroom. I knelt in front of the toilet, and paused. Was I really going to ruin all my efforts ? But the thoughts were too strong and I pushed two fingers down my throat. I vomited a lot and I did it a second time to be sure to purge everything. I then caught my breathe and brushed my teeth. I took a quick shower and I lie on my bed, unable to sleep, when I heard knock on my door.

"Gabrielle ? Are you asleep ?" Sarah asked behind the door.

I didn't answered and I pretended I was asleep when she opened the door. She believed it and closed the door, as I reopened my eyes. I stared at the ceiling all night and fall asleep when the sun was rising.

Sarah woke me up before noon because she had a surprise. I wasn't very motivated but I didn't want to disappointed her so I put some leggings and a big hoodie to hide my fresh scars on my wrists. When I went downstairs, Sarah was already in front of the door, waiting for me.

"Oh honey, you're going to be so hot in that !"

"No, I'll be okay." I sighed.

Sarah drove us to a park in front of a lack and blinded me.

"Sarah, I'm not really on a mood to play right now." I said as she was guiding me I don't know where.

"Shhhhh, you'll like your surprise I promise." She said as she unblinded me.

I looked up rubbing my eyes and I saw my dear friends from high school, Kayna, Clara, Heather and of course Lilly.

"SURPRIIIIIISE !!" They screamed hugging me.

Sarah was right, I felt so good suddenly. All the bad thoughts were gone, because I was so happy to see my friends. We were all in a different city for our studies and I had been so long since I saw them.

"So how are you Gabby ?" Asked Heather.

"Fine, great now that I'm with you guys." I answered smiling.

"I couldn't wait to see you again Gab !" Said Lilly as Clara was still hugging me.

We spent the whole afternoon together and Sarah left us to do some shopping with her friends from the new school she was teaching in.

She picked me up few hours later and we came back home.

"How was it ?" She asked.

"So great, we had so much fun, thank you Sarah." I said very grateful.

"I'm glad you enjoyed your surprise. You didn't seem very happy when I woke you up this morning !"

"Yes I'm sorry, I was tired." I simply replied.

Before dinner, I told Sarah that we ate a lot with the girls, which wasn't true but she believed me. I was able to skip dinner for that reason and I finally fell asleep, very late.

On Sunday, Sarah drove me back to my apartment for a new week. But it was going to be even harder than the week before, because Sarah had a school trip during a month with her students, so I was going to stay a month on the apartment by myself. I wasn't ready for that but I didn't have a choice.

I hugged Sarah very tightly and she left me for a month. I buried myself under a lot of pillows and eventually fell asleep, tears streaming down my cheeks as I was scared for the next weeks.