The man in the rain

Back in New York pt 1

Bucky, Steve, Nat, and Sam all boarded the quintet to take off towards New York, home. Or that's what Steve called it. It didn't feel like home to Bucky, nothing did. The home that he knew was long gone and there wasn't anything that he could do about it. He could tell that he was going to have a hard time getting along with everyone and how they wouldn't fully trust him for a while. He saw how Steve, Nat, and Sam were all acting on the flight home they were all joking about their little inside jokes and they all had their own stories that didn't include him. They will never include him. He knows that they all think that he could transform into his alter ego and hurt every single one of them, causing their guards to never be down enough to be able to joke around with him. 

He was deep in thought and looking out of the aircraft window and just thinking about how different Steve is now after all these years. He knew that Steve still saw his body as a friend but not his mind. Steve saw the Bucky that was a sergeant in the war, not the one who has been tortured for so many years, where his brain wasn't even his own. He knew that Steve was the same guy that he always was just more outgoing than little Steve. The laughter that he was hearing from the three was just like white noise to him and before he knew it he could feel himself drifting off to sleep. He hadn't slept in what felt like weeks because he was still on the run from HYDRA and knew that if they found him they would take him back, so he was always on edge from that. He stopped himself from fully falling asleep because he was still nervous to but when he found himself drifting off again he gave in falling into a state of calm. 

That state of calm that he was in didn't last long though. His mind was soon taken by memories of his time in HYDRA playing in his head. He saw flashing images of him killing so many innocent people then flashing images of him getting his memory wiped over and over again. His body was tensing up in his sleep and his breathing started to pick up. He tried to make himself wake up, but the nightmare had more power over him than he did. So he had to duffer through reliving his trauma. He was trying to force his eyes open and when they finally cooperated he took a second to process how he should react to it. He didn't want the team to see him struggle with his own mind, so he tried to play it cool hoping that no one on the Quinjet noticed his behavior. He glanced around analyzing everyone and their body language to see that the three were still laughing at their own joke and didn't even realize how Bucky was even asleep. Bucky exhaled the breath that he didn't even know that he was holding and finally let his body relax from its previous tense state. 

Bucky stood up to walk around the aircraft to go over to his bag that had the little notebook in it so he could write down the memories that popped up in his nightmare. He had been doing this recently just in case if HYDRa were to come and get him again he would have a way of remembering when they wiped him again. He retrieved the notebook and went back over to sit down and began writing. As he was writing he began to feel the panic reenter his body, so he decided to stop for a minute, and when he did he looked up and made eye contact with the fiery redhead. 

"Barnes, you okay you look a little fluster and tense?" She asked him while stepping forward that way she could comfort him. He flinched at her approach and tried to move away from her but was stopped by the wall of the jet. 

"Yeah," he said weakly, "I'm okay," he said bluntly and NAt notice the sweat that gleamed on his brow bone but chose to ignore it and ignore how Barnes was actually acting. She responded with a simple nod and headed back to the cabin of the jet. Bucky, however, found that he needed to compose himself a little better, so he finished writing in his book and went back to staring out the window. He counted all the clouds he could see to distract his mind from itself. It eventually worked but as soon as it was the jet started to make its descent. Once again his body panicked a little but he was able to calm himself by reminding himself that it was okay that this was happening. The skyline started to appear and he started to feel a little happier knowing that he was back in the state that could potentially bring him more of his memories before HYDRA back. 

The Quinjet soon landed and the four of them all got off. Sam and Nat both got their belongings and headed toward their own rooms while Steve got his belongings and waited for his best friend. When Bucky walked off of the aircraft he was met with Steve throwing his arm around his shoulder and walking him to the doorway. Bucky did find it a little weird that his best friend had his arm on his shoulders when usually it was the other way around. The door opened for them both revealing an elevator that would take them to the floor that they were nothing going to stay on. 

"Alright Buck," Steve said while exhaling "I'm going to take you to where you will be staying then I will start working on scheduling meetings to clear your name and your ledger," he said pressing the button that had the number 76 on it. When the elevator reached the floor the doors opened to reveal a little living room along with a kitchenette and then a short hallway leading to what bucky could only presume were rooms. Steve got off and Bucky followed. Steve ended up giving him a tour of the floor and then taking him to his room. His room was what he expected the team to decorate it as. Black furniture with silver accents. He hated it. It just reminded him of HYDRA. His face must have shown his dislike because now he was being ambushed by Steve's questions about what he could do to change it. 

"Really Buck we can do anything to change it," Steve said with panic lacing his voice. 

"Really Steve, it's fine," he said to him putting on a little fake smile to show Steve that he truly meant it. He didn't want to worry Steve about getting him new decor for his room so he just went in and accepted it. He somehow had convinced Steve that it was fine and Steve went on his way to go and start scheduling meetings to clear Buck's name.