Falling Again

Chapter 2

Shit, I'm late. I was supposed to meet Laura at Wayland's Yard half an hour ago but my taxi took the piss. Why pursue a career as a driver if you're going to drive like your brain has been possessed by a tortoise?

Rushing through the door, I'm hit by a wave of nostalgia at the familiar scent of coffee and biscuits. This was the café where I had the first proper conversation with my ex boyfriend, Jacob. It was purely a coincidence that Laura asked to meet me here. I hadn't seen her in a couple of months because she moved to Manchester for University. Despite the distance, we still stayed in contact and are still close friends. I pull down my skirt and search the place.

I see her sitting in the booth at the far corner and I frantically wave at her. As soon as she sees me, she's on her feet. I run and engulf her in a heart wrenching hug.

"I missed you so much." She muffles into my neck.

"I missed you too! How've you been?" We both sat and I quickly ordered a pumpkin spice latte.

"Uni is such a fucking headache! Who decided to create such an exasperating place?"

"I think all that eighteenth century English is getting to your head." I exclaim, questioning her choice of wording.

Laura scoffs before taking a sip of her coffee. "Eighteenth century literature is the reason why I'm questioning my life choices."

I chuckle before speaking again. "How's Rose?" Rose is Laura's girlfriend of two months, they met in Manchester. Laura blushes and ducks her head.

"We're great. She couldn't make it today, but I... I need to ask you something."

"Go ahead."

Laura clears her throat and looks up at me. Circling her hands around the coffee cup in front of her. "I've got a three month break coming up and I've decided to spend it at my parents cabin." I give Laura a confused look as to why she was telling me this. "I want you to come with me. You're your own boss so I'm sure you can spare three months."

My mouth drops open and I stare at Laura. "Yeah, I can spare three months, but I've got a company to run. They need me there." Laura pouts and I give her a look of sincerity.

"I was guessing you were gonna say that, but it was worth a try." She pause for a second. "Jacob's coming too, so you probably wouldn't want to go anyways-"

"Wait, Jacob's going?" I cut her off and she quickly looks up at me.

"Yeah. I asked him to come because he's virtually dropped off of the face of the Earth for the past two years. I wanted to catch up with him, we were friends since childhood and he kinda threw it all away." Pain flashed through her eyes and an immense amount of guilt washed threw me.

"I'm so sorry-" The waitress approached us and places a latte on the table in front of me. I silently thank her before looking back to Laura. "It's my fault he left and that he hasn't contacted you-"

"It's not your fault. You were doing what was best for you- and besides, look at you now! Rich businesswoman."

"I own a company, Laura, I'm not the Queen of England."

Laura grins at me before pleading again. "Are you absolutely certain you can't come with? There's enough space for you and I would love to spend three months with you."

I ponder at her request for a while. It would be a great opportunity to take a break from work, I could always work online! I would be able to finally have a breathe of fresh of air and spend some time with Laura. It would also help me fix things between Jacob, if he even talks to me. "Who else is going? Besides Jacob?"

"Charlie and his fiancée." Charlie proposed to his girlfriend, Daniela, last year and their wedding is in a couple of months.

"I guess that I can... spare a few months off of work and-" Laura squeals and claps her hands, grinning wildly at me.

"Yayayayay! I love you so much!"

I guess I'm going on holiday.

***

Anxiety isn't permanent. It can get worse, it can take control of your life. Luckily for me, mine was temporary. I haven't had an anxiety attack in a year, I haven't had a suicidal thought in months.

So why is the idea of this holiday retreat making me nervous and jittery? Deep inside, I know that if I reconnect with Jacob, it could bring back all them old feelings. But what if it doesn't? What if I'm able to move forward? That's what this entire thing had been about. That's why I pushed him away, to focus on myself.

I achieved the end goal and I'm so fucking proud of myself. It's all I ever wanted. Happiness. But somehow, I don't think I'll ever be happy with the fact that he hates me. I can't live with it.

Is this holiday really what I want? Do I want to put myself out there and confront my past? Do I want to look forward to my future knowing that I ruined the one good thing I had coming for me?

As I packed for the three month break that's starting this weekend, I second-guessed the decision I made to go with Laura.

I packed bikinis because Laura informed me that there would be a beach near the cabin. I'm proud of how far I've come with my body. I'm no longer afraid to show my scars and more importantly, I'm proud of them. They show significance to the demons that I had to fight and the pain that I went through. They remind me that there's always a second choice and that I should never give up, no matter how hard and painful things get.

Over the past two years, I've improved my mindset, I've become more confident, I've learnt to love myself. And with that, I learnt that I couldn't love someone else in the way that they wanted me to if I couldn't even stand the mere idea of myself.

Maybe, by going on holiday, I'll be able to take a break from all the pressure, spend time with my friends and relax. Something that's extremely overdue.