Falling Again

Chapter 14

"I get it, change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong." And then, Jacob just stares at me.

He just stares and stares and I breathe and breathe. I breathe until my lungs are empty and I feel nothing. All I felt was my heart hammering in my chest and the insane skip of a beat it just did when I think of the damaged man in front of me. The man who might not live out the rest of his life if he carries on down the path he's going on. And the man who might as well be dead and now that I think about it, it's all my goddamn fault. It's all my goddamn fault.

"It's all my fault." I whisper, covering my face with my hands.

"What is?" Laura says.

"Nothing's your fault." Jacob says.

"Everything. Everything's my fault." I mumble into my palm. "Fuck- Jacob, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry about everything and-" I was struggling to breathe. My heart was beating top much, I was shaking and all the thoughts inside my head were moving at a thousand miles.

No. This cannot be happening. Not again.

"Aria." Hands clasped around my shoulders.

I push him away.

"Hey, I'm here. I'm here." All words mumble around in my head and I can't see straight. I think I'm gonna faint. "What are five thing you can see?" I look around, my eyes jittering around the kitchen. Pills. I needed my pills.

"Erm... I see... I see you. Laura. A m-mug. Erm..."

"Okay, that's three. Two more, Aria."

"Erm... I- I see the dish towel. And- and... the microwave."

"Okay, that's great. Now, four things you can touch."

I reach out, hoping to touch something, anything. "Th-the countertop. Coffee machine. Erm... the t-tap." My breathing slowed. When Jacob's hands curled over my own shaking ones, I let them sit there. The warmth he brought was enough to calm me down.

"Did you bring your pills?" He whispered, standing closer to me.

I nod my head. "In my room." Jacob takes the glass from the counter and leads me upstairs, my hand still wrapped in mine.

Jacob opens the door and looks at me. I point at the bedside table, where my emergency anxiety pills sat. Jacob instantly walks towards them and opens the box. He gives me one and I swallow it with the glass of water. He takes my hand in his again. When I put the glass in the chester drawer. His other hand runs up and down my arm, my black sweater acting as a barrier.

"Better?" He whispers. I nod my head and lean my head on his chest, taking a deep breathe. Jacob's arms wrap around my shoulder and he engulfs me in a hug. A sob racks through my body and Jacob's arms feel tighter around me. "Please don't cry, I didn't mean to make you cry." He says, pulling back to look into my eyes.

"It's not your fault." I mumble, wiping away my tears. "I haven't had an anxiety attack in a year. I feel like all my progress went down the fucking drain."

"Aria, look at me." Jacob's finger goes under my chin, forcing me to stare him in the eye. "Your anxiety doesn't define you. You've survived a lot and I have no doubt that you'll survive whatever's to come. No amount of anxiety will change the future and no amount of regret will change the past. Live in the present, Aria. Let me just tell you that worried thoughts are notoriously inaccurate."

I stare at him, this sincere, selfless man in front of me. I wonder what the hell I did to deserve him and how fucking stupid I was to let him go. He was the only person who could help me when I went into that dark place. And what did I do? I pushed him away because I needed to do it by myself. I needed to love myself. And where did that get me? I'm still in the same place, relying on Jacob to help me when I get a fucking anxiety attack.

"There's a lot we need to talk about, Jacob." He nods in agreement. "And I think we both need to be in the right state of mind for when we have that conversation." I pull myself away from his touch and stand near my door. "I'm going to go on a walk."

I leave my room and quickly exit the cabin with my purse. I remember seeing a tattoo parlour not too far from here.

Standing outside of it, I really hope I don't regret the decision I'm about to make. I'm a sucker for a worded-tattoo. Pictures hold so much insignificance and when they do... it takes a whole private investigator to depict the meaning behind it. The easiest route is to get a few words that should how you feel.

I walk into the parlour and am greeted by a middle-aged man. After designing the tattoo I wanted to get, I'm laid down on the bed thing.

Because I got the tattoo under my boob, the pain was practically unbearable. The bandage was applied and after I paid for it, I was on my way.

I must admit, after getting this tattoo, I practically contradicted myself. At first glance, this tattoo looks likes a random combination of words. It takes a mind reader to understand the really meaning behind it and I guess that's what I like the most about it. Surprisingly, I liked the mystery of it. I liked that even people who knew me couldn't be able to guess what the tattoo was about. That's how mysterious and close to my heart it was.

For one, here was only person that I was excited to show. I wasn't sure if they'll understand the significance of it but I hope they do because this tattoo means a lot to me, even if it was last minute.

Hell, I couldn't wait to show Jacob.