Falling Again

Chapter 37

"Fuck no, that's disgusting." I laughed, my body shaking as I heaved myself up into the bar and slumped down into it. A bartender was behind me, pouring and pouring more shots for the fellas in the bar that asked for it.

"Come on, geezer, have you never tried it before?" Dennis, one of the locals that I met, asked as he shoved the powder at me on a black coaster. I shook my head, burying temptation. Dennis tutted in response. "Mate, it's just a little coke. Don't be a wuss."

"I'm not being a wuss. I'm starting rehab and I don't need that shit." I pushed it away from me before temptation gave in, jumping off the bar and asking for another shot. Thank fuck this place was cheap because I don't think I would have been able to afford any other bar around here.

"Starting rehab?" Dennis cackled, his head rolling back. "Mate, you've been here for a month and I already know that you ain't going to no rehab." He scoffed, and any hope I held for a better future instantly went down the drain.

"Thanks for that." I scoffed, gesturing for the bartender to pour me a shot. He did it reluctantly, but as soon as it was filled to the top, I grabbed it and threw it down my throat, gritting my teeth together.

"I'm just saying, mate." Dennis shrugged his shoulders, his breath stinking. I grimaced after getting a whiff.

"You don't need to say anything." I huffed. "You're opinion is irrelevant." I snapped, slowly feeling the effects of the drinking slowly pull me down. I know I promised Aria this wouldn't happen. I know I told her I wouldn't do this, but I can't seem to stop.

"Alright, Jacob." Dennis scoffed, shaking his head at me. "There's no need for the attitude, boy."

"You know, what?" I downed another shot and held my hand out. "Give me some, then."

Dennis grinned, lining up some powder on the counter, handing me a small, rolled up piece of paper. I fiddle with it between my fingers, biting my lip. The last time I snorted MDMA, Aria managed to see the consequences, and I don't want that again.

At the same time, I'll just do a little bit. Just enough to forget about Aiden and all the grief that seems to be breaking me.

As I lower the straw to the line of coke and I sniff it up, my eyes squeezing shut, I can't help but wonder if Aria will slowly begin to resent me for all that I'm doing and I truly couldn't find it in me to care.

***

I'm not sure where I am.

My eyes squint to an open, and I frown, looking around. No, I don't recognise this place. All I know is that I'm not at home. My home or my parent's home.

Slowly, sitting up from the floorboard I had crashed on, I stumbled to my feet, my head aching. God. What happened? How much did I drink? How much drugs did I do? What mess did I cause?

Aria. Is she worried? I bet she's wondering where I am. I hope she isn't too upset. I hope she'll forgive me for this. It was just a small slip up. That's what I'll tell her. I didn't mean for the drugs to hit my system and I didn't mean to consume as much as I did, but I'm addicted and I couldn't stop.

My head hurt too much. My body hurt and everything hurt and my eyesight felt hazy. None of this felt real, but once the buzz wears off, I know it will.

I think I'm too far gone. I think I've gone too gone, this time. I doubt Aria will forgive me as easily as the last time.

I knew what I had to do. I just didn't think I had the power or the restraint to do it. Rehab was only ever just a word to me. Something that was told to people like me to make it seem as though something was wrong with us. Nothing is wrong with me. I told myself that for the longest time.

I told myself I was fine and I had a hold on it, but I clearly don't. If this is anything, it's a wake up call. I can't stop this if I don't try. If I don't at least try to fix this. 

Aria doesn't deserve half a man. 

So, as I manage to find my way out of the random house I'd somehow found myself at, I dug my phone out of my pocket and squinted at the shining sun outside. Too bright. 

My phone was heated with notifications. Missed calls and texts from Aria and Laura and Charlie. Even some from my parents. Shit. I'm not sure I can face any of these people, not without cleaning up my act first. 

This grief has lasted too long. I'm grieving my brother and I'm grieving a relationship that I'm currently in. It's not healthy. Not for me and not for any of the people around me. My parents deserve better. Laura and Charlie deserve better. Aria most definitely deserves better. 

So, I called up the only rehabilitation centre in town and booked my place, ready to turn my life around and be the man that Aria needs and deserves. 

If anything, she doesn't need to be dragged into the pits of Hell I'll eventually find myself at. I can be be a better man for her, I know it. I can be the one she needs and relies on. I know it. 

I can finally be the brother Aiden should have got from the start. The brother he deserved in his life, not the piece of shit who's standing on the middle of the street, looking like shit. He's probably looking down at me wondering where the fuck I went wrong. 

I have no idea if it was when I witnessed his death or if it was way before that. I think I might have always been destined for this life. I might have always been destined to be surrounded by death. To be death. 

That's what killed me.