Falling Again

Chapter 12

One week. One week had gone by with me and Jacob giving each other cold stares and walking away.

Today was supposed to be a beach day but I declined and had let everyone else go on without me. It took me a while to get out of bed and when I did, everyone had already left for the beach. I know they were planning on spending the entire day there and quite frankly, I was grateful. I just wanted a peaceful lie in. This holiday didn't go how I expected it to go, unfortunately. It's not full of forgiveness, it's not got smiles and laughter. That's what I wanted.

Suddenly, this trip doesn't sound as appealing as it was made out to be.

However, the idea of being alone all day made me extremely happy. I run down the stairs, blasting music from my totally random playlist. In the kitchen, I place my phone on the counter, dancing around the counters and mouthing to the words. I make a coffee, moving my hips to the beat of the song.

Just as I'm about to turn, I get the fright of my life when I see Jacob standing there, his body rigid. I scream. He yells. I scream again. He yells again.

"What the fuck?" I yell, holding a hand to my chest and pausing my playlist.

Jacob doesn't say anything, he just stands there with sweat dripping off of his forehead that his hair was matted on. He looked like he was working out, I knew that there was a gym in the basement of this cabin. His chest was heaving in and out, probably from being out of breathe.

"I thought you went to the beach." I say when we both catch our breath.

"I declined because I thought... never mind." He glances at me one last time before he turns around and walks into the living room.

My plan for today was to watch a couple movies and maybe dabble around in the kitchen and bake something but Jacob being here has kind of fondled with my plans because I don't think I'll be able to concentrate on anything knowing that he was right there. If I turned around right now, I would be able to see the back of his head from the sofa and that image alone is enough to rile my brain up and get my heart beating a lot faster.

I thought that after two years, I'd be somewhat over Jacob but I don't think I am. I think I'm still completely infatuated by him, I still spend my spare time thinking about him, fantasising about how our lives would have played out if things went differently during college. What if we met later, would we have made it work? What if he were childhood friends, would it have been easier for the both of us to understand and sympathise for the other? I can't help but silently hope that Jacob is thinking the same as me and that he's not over me. Because if he was over me, I don't think I'll be able to deal with it.

Every time I think about him, I think about his heart. The heart that beat for me, the heart that loved too damn much. The heart that couldn't beat without reciprocation. The heart that has been through such an attack that it's barely standing.

I had an immediate connection with Jacob as soon as we met. Hell, even the damn fortune cookies knew the outcome. But the connection we had was so strong that I was drawn to him in a way that I'd never experienced before. As that connection grew, I experienced a bond so deep, strong, and complex, that I began to doubt if I had loved anyone prior.

Someone once said that a soulmate isn't someone that completes you. A soulmate is a person who inspires you to complete yourself. A soulmate is someone who loves you with such conviction, and so much heart, that it is nearly impossible to doubt just how capable you are of being exactly who you want to be.

I know I'm not complete. Far from it, but Jacob inspired me to take the journey to better myself. I never once doubted that he loved me. I always believed that he loved me much more than I could ever. He loved me when I couldn't love myself, but that was part of the problem. I knew I couldn't love someone when I hated everything about myself. And yet, I welcomed it with open arms. I let him in, I allowed him to love me even though I was the furthest from ready. That's what caused our downfall.

My thoughts are cut off when coffee machine beeps repeatedly. Whilst mixing the coffee, I steal a glance at Jacob to see him watching a movie on the T.V screen. Well... I might as well join him.

Putting some popcorn into a bowl, I hold my coffee in my other hand and make my way to the living room. Jacob looks up from his seat on the sofa when he hears me. His eyes scan the popcorn bowl in my hand and he lets out a slow, excruciating breath. He couldn't make eye contact with me but as he turns his head towards the screen, he taps the space next to him.

I smile and sit next to him, putting the bowl in the middle of us- a barrier if you must- and the coffee between my hands in my lap.

Neither of us say anything, we didn't need to. We just sat in silence and watched the movie, occasionally dipping our hands into the bowl and eating popcorn. At one point, our hands touch and we both freeze. Then Jacob looks over at me and smiles. It didn't reach his eyes but it lit my heart up.

By the time Laura, Rose, Dani and Charlie had come back from the beach, Jacob had fallen asleep on my shoulder. I left him rest his head there, he looked like he needed a nap. I did notice the bags under his eyes and the way his eyes drooped occasionally during the film. I also noticed how his cheeks had hollowed slightly, how there were small spots breaking out on his cheeks and how his eyes looked dead. Clear. Emotionless.

And I bet, if I ask Laura how the physical appearances of her brother changed when he was doing drugs, I'd probably get the same symptoms as Jacob.

Well, shit.