Falling Again

Chapter 11

I open the balcony doors in my room and step outside. Climbing over the railing, I step onto the roof and lay on my back.

The silence of the night sky always calmed me and the darkness always exhilarated me. Whenever life gets a bit too overwhelming, I can always lose myself in the stars. That's why I like the night. Without the dark, we'd have no stars.

A sound from my room causes me to stir and I quickly get up and go back into my room. As soon as I close the balcony doors behind me, Jacob walks into my room. We stare at each other for a couple of seconds before Jacob clears his throat and sits on my bed. He pats the space next to him and I hesitantly sit next to him. He twists his ring around his finger repeatedly.

"Were you on the roof?" He asks curiously, nodding his head towards the balcony doors. I nod my head. "I probably would have fallen to my death if I went on there."

I stifle a laugh, now is seriously not the time. I sigh solemnly, entwining my fingers repeatedly.

"Jacob, we really need to talk."

"I know." He mumbles, keeping his eyes focused on the floor.

"I really need to explain myself."

"Yep."

"And we need to talk about... what happened."

"Mhm."

Jacob clears his throat and I turn towards him. "I wasn't lying, Jacob. I wasn't using you."

Jacob chuckles lightly before running his hand over his face.

"I really want to believe you, but how can I? I hate to admit it, but... I've lost all trust in you." I knew this would happen, but I wasn't ready for the words to be said. I wasn't ready to admit that Jacob doesn't trust me and doesn't feel the same about me as he used to. I should have expected this, it's been two years. I couldn't seriously think that Jacob still felt the same about me that he did all those years ago.

"That's understandable. But, if you'll let me, I wanna do everything I can to make you trust me again."

"And I really wanna hold you to that... but I'm not sure." My head snaps to his and I see that tears had pricked up in his eyes. The sight alone brought a lone tear to my eye.

"Not sure about what?"

"About you. I'm not sure that it's what I want anymore, I know it's not what you want and... it's just difficult to see you and be around you when I have all these thoughts going around my head. I can't sort them out and it's messing with my mind." He practically whispers, a small tear leaves his eye.

I knew the wall he had put up wasn't real, I knew that he was still the same person from two years ago.

"What thoughts? Please tell me." I all but beg.

Jacob's eyes flicker over to me and he quickly wipes away the tear.

"I look at you and I see so many memories, most of them good. And then I remember that when you're looking at me, you probably don't think of anything. Hell, you probably see a naive, gullible kid who fell for you." At this point, the tears were flowing freely from my eyes. When I pressed a finger to my cheek, they were soaking.

Hesitantly, I turn towards him and take his hands into mine. Jacob resists at first but eventually allows me to touch him.

"I don't... I don't see that." I take a deep breathe before continuing. "I see so many great memories that I shared with you whenever I see you. I see a... beautiful man who deserves the whole fucking world and I see the pain that I put him through because I couldn't give him the world."

I see something in his eyes, they had soften slightly and his grip on my hand tightened. I was hoping that he was letting go of the painful memories. If he let go of the pain, he could have the memory but without it controlling him. If he let the memories control him, he will be merely a puppet of the past.

But then his eyes darken, like he's finally realised something. He saw something in me and he didn't like it. Jacob quickly pulls his hands away from me and the rest of my tears flow out of my eyes at the loss of contact.

"W-"

"Why are you doing this, Aria?"

"Doing what?"

"Why are you trying to put me through this again?" My mind tries to comprehend what is going on but it can't seem to come to a conclusion. "I thought that after everything, you'd at least care about me enough to not make me go through this again, but you are! You're playing the same game that you were two years ago, Aria. I hated it then and I hate it now."

"What the fuck are you on about? Can you explain to me what you're talking about?"

Jacob storms to his feet before pacing around the room and then kneeling in front of me. He places his hands in my lap. I feel a sense of power from looking down at him, like I was finally in control of something. "When you told me that you never loved me, you had this look in your eye. I can't explain it, but it's engraved in my head. And just now, I saw that look again."

My heart sinks to my feet. I feel everything crumble around and inside of me and I have no idea what to do. He instantly removed his hands from my lap and stands up abruptly. Before I could say anything, he opens his mouth again.

"You're trying to hurt me, Aria. But I won't let you this time. I learnt my lesson." I try to say something but no words leave my mouth. My heart was beating rapidly against my rib cage and I tried to stop myself from bursting into tears. "It isn't fair that I'm always thinking of you but you probably haven't thought of me once since we broke up."

He gives me one last pleading look before turning around and walking out of my room.