Retributed

Chapter 44

Retributed: Chapter 44

~Trey P.O.V~

I don't understand myself.

"That is my biggest struggle and I feel like I've been completely stripped of the identity that made "Trey Demarcus Salazarez". I feel empty and lost, which everyone attributed to why I began drinking heavily and taking pills but that's not why I fell down into that dark tunnel. I began drinking to suppress the emotions I was feeling towards the news that Dad had changed what was supposed to be my new identity. When drinking no longer suppressed those emotions, I needed something stronger. That's when I turned to pills and I started to lose touch with my reality because my reality had become unknown. Then I started seeing Rommel, who I believe was an inner part of myself that was trying to justify how I was assassinating my own character." I explained as I held my beloved red bandana in my hand, staring at it and following the patterns with my eyes. Instantly feeling the warmth and memories associated with all the missions and gang wars this same bandana followed me through. 

"So are you feeling like you gotta suppress more emotions?" Ty asked curiously. "You were just feelin' good and happy like a week ago. Happy that you got a kid on the way and that you and Trina are on great terms, You and Dad hashed your shit and now Ivanna seems like she's forgiven you. So what's goin' on?" He continued to ask as he brought the blunt up to his mouth to take a hit. I wasn't bothered by him smoking, for the most part weed wasn't my problem compared to the alcohol, narcotics and opioids that were at one point flowing through my blood stream and numbing everything to allow me to live in a fantasy.

"I don't know what's going on with myself which is why I'm confused. I thought I was happy to start a new chapter in my life, doing something so different than what I was used to. Maybe I was just telling myself I had to be happy about it because I had no other choice. Ty, this isn't me." I took my eyes off the bandana and brought them up to his to see he was trying to understand what I was saying. "That feeling of confusion that you don't know what I'm saying, is how I feel on a day to day basis every second of every day. I just walk around feeling like I have to be happy with this new direction but I honestly don't feel it." I continued to explain to him. We were at my house because I had asked him to come over and help me mount a new TV in my living room since the old one no longer worked. Even though we finished mounting it a while ago, he wanted to hang out and so we did which ended up turning into this venting moment on my front porch.

"You sure you're not just nervous about the baby? From what I hear, it's a big change and shit so are you just overthinking it because you don't know how this is gonna change you? Like I don't know because in my head it's like a big change for a short period of time but then it just settles out and becomes your new normal. What do I know though?"

"That's what I thought but even at Trina's last appointment, I looked on that screen to see the baby and I thought it would melt away all of what I'm feeling but it didn't. I stared blankly at it and even when I look at the pictures on the fridge of the ultrasound, I don't feel excitement or anything and I know that something is wrong." I've never confessed this to anyone. Not even Breezy. He has kids and even wants more so if I were to tell him, I felt nothing when seeing those ultrasound pictures, there would be a biased response from him. Not that I'd blame him for it but he isn't someone who would understand and for that, I was comfortable only talking to Ty about it. He has no kids, doesn't want any and he's not judgmental. Even after the Ivanna situation, he didn't outcast me. He always kept his door open, always texted and reminded me that no matter what, he was always gonna be there for me.