Her Silent Killer

Chapter 21

Unfortunately I couldn't go on not sleeping. So when I slept, nightmares would haunt and torture me all night long, that I always woke up screaming and dripping in sweat. My parents always rushed in my room and tried to comfort me. But nothing could comfort me except thinking and breathing white walls. So that's what I did. I made those white walls my life line. I think this went on for about 3 or 4 weeks. I'm not sure. As I said I couldn't keep track of time so it could've been months. I don't know. Anyway, it went for a long time before I decided I couldn't go on like this. I didn't want anything to do with me being naked, so when I did shower, I showered in my clothes and let them dry on me. I've been wearing the same clothes I was wearing when I got discharged from the hospital. My parents never commented on it but I knew they worried for me. Not like I cared or anything. No. I didn't care for anything. And I haven't even spoken a single word since the incident. I was still existing and I still felt empty inside. Anga came by a few times to visit me but my father turned him away. And also Him. I think he came by the house 35 times now. Yes, I counted. Don't know why. Couldn't stop myself from counting. But each time my father told him the same thing "She doesn't want to ever see you again. Don't come back." And each time, he left without saying anything but would come back the following day to be told the same thing by my father. I don't know why he insisted on seeing me. Why he wasn't giving up because I wasn't going to change my mind. I really wanted nothing to do with him. And even the thought of him made me sick to my stomach so...no. My father had asked me once if I hadn't changed my mind about the request I had written in my journal and I just wrote "No" in my journal and he never asked again.

As time went by, I couldn't seem to withstand the nightmares. They were really getting to me the point where I couldn't think about white walls anymore. And also to the point where I couldn't keep on with feeling empty on the inside. As I said I couldn't go on living like this. It was getting too much. I even had episodes now, where I would just sit curled up and would just scream until I couldn't scream any longer. Other times I would be scratching the skin on my arms and legs, and I would even try to pull my hair off. Other times, I just sobbed nonstop. I was going insane. I was hurting. There was no way of surviving this. Absolutely, no way. I thought about killing myself more than I thought about anything else. What was the point in living? Can you guys tell me? Because I searched and searched and found no answer. What that man had done to me, had been the very last straw. I think my parents suspected what I would do, because they were always staying by my side. They never left me alone which was another thing that drove me crazy. I felt suffocated. Sometimes I would sitting there and then the next thing I knew I couldn't breathe. Like literally couldn't breathe. I would gasp for air and scratch my neck in desperation to get my lungs to work. Even the universe wanted me dead so that's when I decided to do it and myself a favor and off myself. Without my parents looking, I had gotten a hold of a blade. I was just waiting for the right time then I was going to do what I had to to release me from this pain I was in. The blade was the only option I had because they went and threw away every pill that was in the house, and our kitchen drawer had no knives or any sharp objects. I was lucky that I even found this blade that was currently hidden inside my journal. Luckily for me, they hadn't checked the bathroom cabinets very well. The blade had been hidden behind all that ish that was there. I was just glad that finally I would get my reprieve. Actually for the first time since the incident I was in very high spirits before the day I planned to off myself. My parents even commented on my mood. I could see the hope and relief in their eyes. They thought I was getting better. I didn't even feel sad or guilty towards them about what I was going to do. You guys could go on and call me all sorts of names and tell me how selfish I was. I really didn't care. Because not even one of you knew what I was going through. Not even one. So you guys could go and shove all your judgments up in your asses.

When the day came, I waited for my parents to go to sleep then I preceded to do as I had planned. After the first cut, I just couldn't stop myself. Didn't anybody tell you how beautiful and red blood could? Well that night I found out. As I closed my eyes, I couldn't help but to picture his face for the last time and then everything went black.

I was in a psychiatric ward now. I don't know how long I've been here, but if I could guess I would say that it has been more than a week or 2 weeks? Maybe. I also lost track of time here, since they kept me medicated all the time. The only plus side of getting pumped up on medication was that my head was always floating inside this beautiful cloudy haze. Which meant I was in a state of confusion most of the times. But to me it was better than anything else. I preferred it this way. Everything appeared to happen in slow motion. The nurses and doctors spoke in slow mo and I also seemed to be functioning in slow mo too. I think there were lot of people who came by to see me. Even though I didn't remember some of them and what they had said to me during their visits, I knew people came. The only people I seemed to recognize were my parents, Anga and Tasha, my friend. That one, when she first came, she had stared at me during the whole visit with tears running down her face. I remember her coming by for 2 days after that too. Forgive me bethu. Some days were more confusing than the others. I would be stuck in my own small world during those days.

So I hadn't succeeded in killing myself. Obviously. Since I was here in this place with other sick people like me. My wrist was still wrapped in a bandage. It always fascinated and shocked me seeing the cuts on my wrist when the nurses cleaned and changed the dressing. I couldn't believe that I had done that to myself. Altogether, they were four wounds on my wrist. Apparently my cuts had been pretty deep that I almost cut through a nerve. The doctor had told me that if that had happened I would've had problems using my hand. From time to time, I did feel that my hand did have some sort of numbness to it. What I hated with being here was the therapy sessions. The group sessions were fine since I sat there and said absolutely nothing even when the psychiatrist would encourage me to. The sessions I hated the most were the one on ones because the psychiatrist would always insist on me saying something. So I decided that I should just write on the journal, the one that I carried around with me since I didn't speak, only two sentences which were "I'm fine"and "I have nothing to say". So every time she asked me how I was doing or insisted on me sharing my feelings, I just showed her one of the two sentences. When I did that, she would sigh and then we would stare at each other for the whole session. Don't know what she wanted from me. I really was fine and I really had nothing to say. Okay the first one was a lie, of course, I wasn't fine but whatever. I knew I wasn't fine, she knew it too, so and then what? There was nothing she could do about that fact. There was nothing anyone could do actually. I was beyond saving. And most importantly, I didn't want to be saved. I just wanted to be left alone.

Something weird was happening to me. For almost a week now I've been waking up with his scent all around me. You guys know whose scent I was talking about. Wasn't going to say his name. But it was weird right? I mean, why would I be smelling his scent? My pillow, my blanket, and also me had it. I asked one of the nurses if there was a man coming by while I slept at night. I wrote all of that in my journal, of course. The nurse had just laughed at me like I was crazy and walked off. One of the patients, her name was Winnie, she had been here longer than me, she told me that no one was allowed in after the last visiting hour which was 3pm. So maybe I was crazy....who knows?.....