Valentine

Chapter 7: Walls Crumbling

Calum was in my kitchen making some tea he had found in my cupboard while I sat waiting for him. I didn't even remember buying the packets and realized they probably came from Maggie. 

I feel ready to tell him but I'm still incredibly nervous. The kettle squeals from the other room and I know he will be out soon. I try to slow my thoughts but it becomes difficult. 

What if it's too much for him? What if he can't handle my crazy life? I decide that if he can't handle it he wasn't the right person in the first place. 

Not like we are anything official anyways but I knew it would hurt if he turned his back on me now. After he had given me so much hope. 

The couch dips as he sits down next to me. He sets his mug down and hands me mine before slinging his arm over my shoulder. 

"Stella, I'm really sorry I shouldn't have called you anything besides your name without asking first?" I hear the guilt in his voice. 

I set my mug down before I turn in shock. Did he really think this was his fault. Sure his words had set off my blind panic but it wasn't like he knew what would happen. 

"Calum this isn't your fault. This is something I have lived with since I was 18. Life happens."

This doesn't seem to dissuade him. I can see he stills holds the blame on his shoulders. "I just feel dumb we were having a good time and then I upset you."

I hold his hand in mine needing the strength. My throat tightens as I decide to tell him. "Calum. My Dad used to call me Stel from the time I was a little girl. That's why I got upset. It just reminded me of the past. No one has called me that in so long."

He squeezes my hand willing me to continue. "I lost both of my parents in a car crash my senior year of high school. I was with them when it happened and it changed my whole life. I became someone else and I don't know how to get back to her." 

By now the tears are streaming down my face. My heart beats and I'm so scared of how he will react. I know now that if he leaves I may never trust someone again. 

I don't have to wonder long before he pulls me across his lap settling me into a comforting hug. "You're so strong Stella. I'm proud of you."

His words mean more then he knows and I lose it. No one has ever seen how hard I worked to be okay. How I went every day working to be okay. Even when nothing about how I was feeling was fine. 

They only saw how I failed. They didn't understand that this was the best I could do. I woke up each day and got out of bed. I functioned and that was already so difficult. Thinking about going above that was painful. 

Calum saw though and what was even scarier was he didn't judge me for it. For the first time someone appreciated it. They saw me giving it my all and they didn't get mad that, that was my capacity. 

His hands rub my back soothingly just letting me cry it out. It was the first time in years that I had said it. It was the first time I told someone what had happened to me. 

As I calm down I decide to tell him. "Calum. I've never said that out loud. My other friends don't even know that."

His hands tighten around me. "Now I'm doubly proud." 

I pull my hands through his hair. I wish I could show him just how grateful I am. I don't even know what I could do to thank him though. 

Instead I just settle further into him. 

"Have you ever talked to anyone. Like a counselor." I startle a little. I can't bear to look into his eyes. I'm scared of what I might see. 

"No. It just sounded like someone trying to fix me at the time and I don't trust easily."

He still held me tight. My answer didn't seem to upset him. "I don't know. I guess it really helped me. When I had to travel all the time I stopped feeling. I'm not gonna pretend I understand anything you went through but I know it's really helped other people I know too." 

I smile into neck. He was being so gentle with it. He didn't want to offend me. 

I appreciated that. People before had tried forcing me into counselling. Mainly Maggie. In some of our fights she would bring it up in the heat of the moment. To shame me for not processing my parents death. 

Calum did it because he thought it might help me. She did it because then I wouldn't be so broken. She did it to benefit herself. He did it to benefit me. 

"Calum have I told you how awesome you are lately."

His hands moved across my back again. It was clear he didn't want to upset me again. "I think your even better."

I pulled back snorting at him. "I literally just freaked out in front of you and you handled it like it was nothing. You made me tea and you didn't judge me."

His eyes kinda bulge out of his head as he looks at me like I've really lost it. I'm beginning to wonder what his problem is when he speaks. "That's kind of the bare minimum. No one should make you feel bad for something you can't control."

I nod. No, they shouldn't. "I guess I never thought of it like that. I just know that it makes people uncomfortable."

His hands settle on my hips as I continue to straddle him. "I'm really sorry anyone made you feel like that. I feel like an ass for complaining about my friends all the time."

I chuckle. "Just because I have problems doesn't mean you aren't allowed to. I'll always listen. It actually helps to listen to you talk about what's bothering you. It takes my mind off of my situation."

"I'm glad I help and my friends are going to love you."

I lean forward and give him a soft kiss. This was a big step for me and I have a feeling it was a big step for him.