Valentine

Chapter 12: Permanence

The suitcase drags behind Calum as we walk to my car.

He's been at my house the last couple of days they've been home. Knowing he was going to be gone for the next couple of months relieved and scared me.

With the space I knew I could reevaluate my feelings and understand where we stood. I could get perspective which I knew I needed even if it scared me. I was in deep and that was something that frightened me to no ends.

We get into the vehicle shutting the doors quietly. Everything is filled with eerie silence as the music sounds through the speakers on our traffic filled drive.

It wasn't the comfortable silence I had come to know with Calum either. I think we were both nervous to break it. It was so fragile already.

We both speak at the same time as I pull up to the red stoplight. He rubs the back of his neck seemingly stressed. "Go first." I look at him quickly before turning back to the road.

"Calum you should go first. I want to hear your voice before you leave." I can't help the sad tone in my voice.

I'm going to be alone out here again. Crystal was going to most of the shows and when she was home most of her time would be spent working.

"I wish I could stay. You know that. Please don't make it any harder. You have no idea how many times relationships have fallen apart because I had to leave. I can't do it again." My heart sinks. He just brought up us breaking up so casually. That wasn't even part of my thought process.

"Calum. I wasn't even thinking about that. I'm allowed to feel upset that your leaving to travel across the country for months."

I pout a little as I focus on the road. He takes things so far. He should be more concerned if I wasn't a little sad.

This really isn't normal for any relationship. Nothing about Calum's life is what I would consider normal. Most of the time it doesn't bother me but right now it really sucks.

I hear his sigh as he gently sets his hand on my thigh.

"I'm sorry if I jumped down your throat a little bit. I'm just disappointed I already have to leave and touring is something I've always loved. I usually get super excited on our launch day. This is the first time I'm dreading it."

I choke up as he squeezes my hand again. "I'm sorry too. I don't want you to feel bad. You'll be home soon and we can talk as much as possible while you're gone. I talked with my boss and I might be able to come for a couple of days."

I spare a quick glance as I roll up to another glowing stop light. He has a soft smile on his face illuminated by the sunlight.

He looks at me like I'm the only girl in the world. Granted I am the only girl in the car right now but every time we are in the presence of others he still makes me feel special. I hope I do that for him too.

"I wish you could be at every show but I'll settle for as many as you can manage. Stella?" His voice fades off as we near the entrance of the airport.

We had spent most of the ride fighting which was the opposite of what I wanted to do. We lived in bliss the past couple of days so I realize this was unavoidable.

I can't pretend this isn't real anymore as I pull up to the separate more private entrance to drop him off at. This way we can say our goodbyes in peace and without being caught by fans or paparazzi.

Once they were inside the public airport there wasn't much anyone could do but outside there was VIP areas we could take advantage of.

I park the car in the closest zone not willing to face him yet. "Baby."

He catches my attention with that one and when our eyes meet I see a level of pain. I don't want him to feel bad over this.

It really wasn't that long of a time. Only a couple of months I try to convince myself. "We'll be together before we know it."

He nods running his hand alongside my jawline. His eyes seem to spark with a hunger before he pulls me into a warm kiss.

My breath is sucked away as the kiss heats up. I never want to leave this car. Our foreheads stay pushed together as we look into each other's eyes.

"This is only temporary. We're going to talk as much as possible and everything will be fine." He says more to himself then me.

"Calum I'm not like the other girls who have broke you. A little bit of space doesn't scare me. I know it's not ideal but we're going to make it."

He lets out an angry laugh pushing himself away from me. "Stella I know space doesn't scare you. Which is what makes me nervous. I like my space as much as you but I can't help but get the feeling that the distance is going to be an excuse for you to pull away."

His words feel like a stab directly to the heart. The thing was I expected them to come out angry or harsh but they were quiet and filled with hurt.

I wasn't used to someone trying to talk it out. More like just yell at me till I caved. Calum's gentleness made my heart melt.

"Last time we got even closer. It brought us together not the other way around." I lean back in my seat trying to relax. I won't let him plant seeds of doubt now. "You can't be mad that I'm sad and then also think I'm going to ditch you. It's not fair."

I refuse to look at him as he takes the time to think through things. I can't help but feel like he wants to bail on us.

"What makes you think that no one can care for you. What do I have to do to prove what you mean to me Cal? I told you things I've never even said out loud. I've thrown down all of my walls and I thought you had too but with the way you're talking it makes me want to build them back up."

The harsh sound of Calum sucking in a breath startles me.

"C'mon Stella I'm just trying to be honest. I don't want anyone to get hurt."

"Well you're hurting me right now. This thing where you tell me how I feel about things hurts. One of the things I like about you is that you let me explain where I'm at. You don't expect me to give things I can't."

Deciding to rip off the band aid I take a peak at his slouched over form.

"Can we please leave this on a positive note. I know you need to get going and.."

He springs forward catching me off guard as he throws his arms around me. I settle into his firm hug knowing we both need the comfort right now.

"I say all the wrong things. I don't know how not to be this way but I'm trying. Wait for me and please don't worry too much about me. I'll be home before you know it."

As he pulls back our eyes connect. "Calum to me you are perfect. As good as it gets. This isn't goodbye it's see you later."

His smile looks more like a grimace as a tear comes to the corner of his eye. I lean in initiating a gentle passionate kiss.

It said more then I ever could.

As we separate his eye moves to the dash catching sight of the time. "Okay. I really gotta go. I'll call tonight after we land."

I smile as he gives me one last kiss before opening the door and leaving my side.

He waves from the door before I start the engine and drive away from my sunlight. The ache in my bones settles in the further I drive away.

How can one person come to mean so much in such a short time.

The thing is Calum isn't just a person. I've realized he's my person. He's the person I want to talk about everything with. After a long day I used to want to be alone. Now I want him.

I hold it together until I reach my house. I crawl into my still ruffled bed and let it all go as I clutch onto the hoodie he had left me.

I have to keep repeating the words I still want to believe. It's not goodbye. It's simply see you later.