why? // ateez au

jongho.

So, that was it. Yunho was really gone. It wasn't some sick joke or a twisted prank. He was fucking dead, and there was no changing it.

And what did I do in the wake of his death? I ended up hurting the person who meant the most to him. Mingi was already in pain upon hearing the news, and I only made it worse. Selfish thoughts clouded my judgment, and I acted impulsively.

I'm not the type to easily apologize for my actions, but there I stood, facing Mingi's apartment door, holding a box of chocolates. It was an odd choice of gift to make amends for beating someone up, but it was the best I could come up with in that moment.

I knock on the front door twice. Nothing.

"Mingi? Are you there?" I called out, but still, nothing. Not even the sound of footsteps approaching the door. I hesitated for a moment before trying the doorknob, and to my surprise, it opened.

"Mingi?" I called out again, entering cautiously. The sight that greeted me was disheartening. His once-tidy apartment now looked like a war zone, with his belongings scattered haphazardly on the floor. It was unlike Mingi to let his place fall into such disarray.

I approached the bathroom door, which was slightly ajar, and noticed a mop of hair sticking out from the empty bathtub. I gently pushed the door open, not wanting to startle him, and stepped inside.

"Hey..."

"Why the fuck are you here?" Mingi's voice lashed out at me. He pulled himself up from his sunken position, using the sides of the bathtub for support, and glared at me with narrowed eyes.

He looked terrible, and the bruises inflicted by me only added to his physical pain. His eyes were hollow, with dark circles underneath. His lips were dry and bleeding, his face much paler than before. My gaze shifted to his right hand, which clutched an unlabeled bottle of alcohol.

"I... I just came here to apologize," I stammered, sitting on the toilet seat beside the tub.

"Okay. Say 'sorry' and leave," he responded, dismissing me with a wave of his free hand.

"No, what are you doing?" I questioned, gesturing towards the bottle. "What do you think I'm doing?"

When had he become so cold?

"I brought you these," I uttered, handing him the box of chocolates. "I know they're your favorite." He took the box from my hand and opened it, popping a raspberry-flavored chocolate into his mouth.

"You still haven't said sorry," he remarked, his voice tinged with bitterness.

"Well, I'm getting to that—"

"What do you think, Jongho? Do you honestly believe a box of chocolates and a weak little 'sorry' will make me feel any better?" he interrupted, raising his voice. "You blamed me for my best friend's fucking death, and you expect me to forgive you just like that, three days later? You must be kidding yourself."

I stared at him, a profound sadness filling my eyes, tears threatening to spill over. He took another chocolate from the box and met my gaze with a cold, emotionless expression.

"Well, go on. Say sorry," he commanded.

"Mingi, I'm truly sorry, and—"

"Okay, you said sorry. Now get the fuck out," he snapped, pointing towards the door, his anger burning in his eyes.

"Mingi, please, let me talk—"

"Jongho, get out, or you won't be the only one with a black eye. Leave me the fuck alone," he yelled, his voice piercing through my ears. I cautiously walked towards the bathroom door and left it slightly ajar.

He sank deeper into the tub while raising the bottle of alcohol to his cracked lips. My eyes peered through the gap in the door as he reached for a bottle of prescription medication. He twisted the cap open, took out one white tablet, and dry swallowed it whole.

----------------------------

"I went there, but he didn't even give me a chance to say anything," I sighed, feeling defeated. "What am I supposed to do, Seonghwa?"

"Give him time, Jongho. Out of everyone, you should understand how painful all of this is, especially for him since you made him feel responsible," Seonghwa replied, offering me a hot ceramic cup.

"What's this?"

"It's lemon tea. I had a feeling you had been crying before you came here," he said with a knowing look.

He was right. After leaving Mingi's apartment, I had slumped against his front door, crying until my face was stained with tears and my eyes were sore. I couldn't comprehend what I had witnessed inside. Mingi, taking some unknown substance... What has this all done to him?

No, more accurately, what have I done to him?

"Thank you, Seonghwa," I whispered gratefully, and he returned a weak smile. Only then did I realize how much I had hurt him as well. The left side of his face bore a purple bruise, a reminder of the pain I had inflicted on him. Yet, he still had the kindness and compassion to lend me help.

"Listen, I'm so—"

"Don't say you're sorry," Seonghwa interrupted, his gaze fixed on the blazing fire in front of us. "You can say you're sorry once Mingi accepts your apology. That's who you should truly be apologizing to."

I stared at him, disbelief etched on my face. He always cared for others more than himself. That's why he wouldn't let me apologize, that's why he stood in front of Mingi when I was blindly lashing out.

That's why he was here now, caring and listening to me when no one else would.

Tears welled up in my eyes once again, and in that moment, I accidentally spilled the now lukewarm tea onto the wooden floor. Seonghwa immediately reached for a handful of tissues to clean up the mess. I leaned back on the couch as he attended to the spilled liquid.

"You're staying with me tonight, Jongho. I don't want you going out and potentially doing something dangerous," Seonghwa declared, concern evident in his words. My eyes widened, 

I'd forgot to tell him about Mingi.