why? // ateez au

the repercussions.

Alive, but not living. That's how you'd describe this feeling. It's as if a heavy weight is pressing down on me, suffocating any motivation or joy that once existed. Each morning, I find myself locked in a battle between my mind and body. The voice in my head urges me to get up, commanding me to take action. 

"Jongho, get your fucking ass up," it scolds, but my limbs remain unresponsive, as if they are bound to the sheets of my bed. The simple act of rising becomes an insurmountable task, leaving me trapped.

Every day, I berate myself for the damage I caused to Mingi, replaying the hurtful words and the consequences they unleashed. Yet, I keep this burden to myself, a secret festering within. The reasons for my silence elude me. It's not driven by selfishness, pride, or a lack of concern for the matter at hand. No, it's something deeper, something elusive and tangled.

Perhaps it stems from fear. Fear of how others would perceive Mingi if they knew what I witnessed that day. Fear of the potential consequences that would unfold, the turmoil it could inflict on an already burdened group. They were already grappling with so much, and who was I to contribute to their struggles? There was also a lingering care for Mingi, a genuine concern that despite everything, still resided within me.

But why did I continue to care for him? After the insults hurled my way, the constant winding-up that left me wounded, I should have let go. Yet, against all odds, I clung to a sense of compassion for him.

"You'll never learn how to stop, Jongho. You need fucking help," his words echoed in my mind, each syllable a knife to my heart.

"Admit it, you'll never learn," his taunting voice pierced through my thoughts.

"See Jongho... You are fucking sick," he spat, as if he were the embodiment of purity and sanity.

Mingi, the one who uttered these hurtful words, the one who appeared cruel and heartless, was the very person I couldn't let go of. The contradiction bewildered me, but my caring nature persisted, refusing to fade away.

In the face of my conflicted emotions, I couldn't help but summon a final sentiment, wrapped in frustration and bitterness.

Fuck you, Song Mingi