why? // ateez au

ePiLoGuE

Who are we? 

That question lingers in the depths of our souls, echoing through the corridors of our memories. Are we broken? Possibly. Defeated? Probably. These seemed to hang heavy in the air, casting its shadow upon our weary hearts. The life we once knew had been changed, leaving us to navigate a world that seemed unrecognizable. I knew, we will never live the life we once did. 

Stories often deceive us with their perfect endings, where happiness is restored, wounds heal, and everyone finds peace. But reality is far from that fairytale. Honestly, these perfect ends are absolute fucking bullshit. 

I had lied to them, weaving a web of false hope that we could forgive and forget. The truth was, we could never return to the blissful existence we had once cherished. We were once a happy group of eight, brimming with joy and ready to embrace life's trials and tribulations. Little did we know that fate had orchestrated a different path for us.

I remember months after cutting contacts, I encountered Hongjoong and Seonghwa. Their smiles masked the pain they had endured, as they shared how they had transformed their trauma into something beautiful. Hongjoong had become a teacher at an art school for children, while Seonghwa assumed the role of a manager, overseeing the operations. Their faces lit up as they described the joy and playfulness of the children they mentored, but behind Hongjoong's fading smile, I could sense a deep melancholy settling in.

His voice trembled as he took a shaky breath, fingers fidgeting nervously, and eyes drifting downward, avoiding mine. "The kids... their playfulness and happiness," he began, struggling to find the right words, "they remind me of Yunho." 

My breath caught in my throat, and tears welled up, blurring my vision. It seemed that after a loss, every facet of life served as a reminder of those we held dear. The trees we once strolled beneath, the places we shared countless conversations, and the people they used to be surrounded by—all infused with memories that clung to our souls, no matter how much you try to forget them.

Hongjoong and Seonghwa proceeded to update me on the rest of our friends. Yeosang had isolated himself from everyone, immersing himself in his studies. Jongho had vanished, relocating to a different country, leaving us with many unanswered questions. Their intense gaze fixated on me as they uttered the next sentence, one that pierced through the heavy silence, 

"We're not sure where Mingi is, though."

Remember my previous words, the ones etched onto paper at the start of this story—words about stolen futures, blurred fates, and battles within oneself. Well, with each passing month, Mingi descended further into an evergrowing abyss, trapped without an escape back to the surface. I watched helplessly as he transformed into a victim of grief, his face growing paler, his body weakening. And then, he simply surrendered.

On that fateful day, I discovered Mingi lying on the bathroom floor, the same spot where he had been unconscious beneath Wooyoung. Like Yunho, a crimson liquid flowed from his mouth, and his eyes stared vacantly ahead. I kept this harrowing truth to myself, unable to bear the thought of inflicting more pain upon my friends, knowing it would shatter their newfound contentment. Sometimes, lies and deception becomes a shield, protecting those we hold dear.

Now that brings us to the question,

Who am I?

I'm an observer. Always am, and always will be. 

I heard my friend crash into an inevitable death, the other fall to the ground with a knife in his stomach as his eyes locked with mine, and the other dying quietly on the ground. I'll never be able to escape the experiences as the rest have. 

Now, I find myself sitting next to Mingi in the hospital, his motionless form a constant reminder of the past that molded me into who I am today. Though the events happened not long ago, they feel like distant echoes of a vanishing era. 

Have we changed? Perhaps. This story was to try and help me truly grasp one question, but now it leaves me with the lingering question that still remains unanswered... 

Who were we? 

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Why? by Choi San.

This book serves as a poignant reflection on the horrific events he and his friends endured during their youth. It delves into the profound impact that a few fleeting seconds can have, forever altering the course of life. In an interview, the author expressed his intention to provide an authentic perspective, contrasting with the misconceptions often portrayed in mainstream media.

"I wrote this book from the perspectives of everyone," Choi San revealed. "How could one comprehend such an experience through the narrow lens of a single individual?" His literary contribution aimed to capture the collective essence of their shared journey, illuminating the intricate layers of their intertwined lives.

After publishing his first and only book, Choi San retreated from the public eye, vanishing without a trace. Years later, sightings of him near a gravestone surfaced, where he stood clutching two copies of his own work. Witnesses claimed to have overheard him whispering tearfully, his voice filled with longing and sorrow.

"This book... this book was for you," Some say they overheard him speaking with tears in his eyes, "Dedicated to Jeong Yunho and Song Mingi, the best friends who are now both forever reunited."