lost (Hawkeye)

Chapter 4

Percy:

I opened my eyes and looked at my alarm clock, it was 9:48. I sat up and rubbed over my eyes, Thalia and Nico had gone back to Camp Half-Blood after they had stayed at my home for a week. I missed them, but didn't want to go back to camp, there were too many memories, memories of HIM and all my friends. I thought of Apollo's words that it wasn't my fault and that I should be happy again, and yet I couldn't. It was too late my heart had died and it was my fault, the death of my friends was my fault, If only I had been faster and stronger... People say that death is the worst part of war. The last week proofed me different. The worst part is the surviving. The coping with ones loss. And let me tell you, whenever you might see some light in the dark, your mind will ponder the question of what if and your hard earned progress will vanish in a heartbeat. Oh how I hate those words, 'what if'!

I tried to get the thoughts out of my head and went to the shower, while the warm water splashed on my body, I relaxed noticeably.
After I put on my sportswear, I went downstairs to my mom and Paul.
"Hey, did you sleep well?" my mother asked when she noticed me. "Yes, mostly without nightmares, is it okay if I go out?" I was able to hide my feelings well, I didn't show my grief and tried to be as normal as possible, I knew if I would show what it looked like inside me, my mother would be shocked and sad, therefore I had to keep up my facade, I could not harm anymore people with my mere presence. I didn't want her to be sad, it would be unfair to her.
"Yeah, sure, there'll be cookies when you get back", her voice pulled me out of my mind, I looked at my mom in confusion until I remembered I wanted to get out, so i nodded, saied my goodbyes, I closed the door behind me, put headphones in my ears and ran off.

I was jogging to the graves of my friends, I was here for the first time without Thals and Neek.
On the way to the cemetery I made a quick detour to the flower shop.

When I arrived at the cemetery, I put a light blue flower on one of graves, it was Jason's grave. He has been like a brother to me, I could always talk to him when I had problems and needed help, tears came to my eyes when I thought of the time with him, of his laugh, his jokes and his loyalty. He had a future, plans. . . until Gaia came and destroyed everything.
I knew he was in the Elysium and happy there.

I went on to see Piper, who was right next to him, she was my best friend, she has always been there for me. She was the sister to me I never had but always wanted. I would miss our girls night, when we used to stay awake until the sun begun to rise, I would miss her mere presence. I put down a pink flower and walked on.

Next, I went to Leo's tomb, where I placed an orange flower, he loved orange. "It was my mother's favorite color", he would say, smiling sadly, he was a good person, I was sorry that he sometimes felt useless and unwanted, at the end he was happy, he had found his great love, even if it lasted only a short time, he was part of our family.

As I stood in front of Hazel's grave, tears ran down my face, I laid down a golden flower. She was a great person, her life was hard and yet she never let herself be defeated, she continued to walk around the world with her open smile, I want to try to do it that way.

At Frank's grave I left a purple flower, matching the t-shirts in New Rome. He was a good praetor, sacrificed himself for his friends and family, he was every inch the hero, stories were written about, but he's dead, like so many others. . .

Next came David's tomb.
David, my one and true love of my life, I had let him die, he didn't deserve to die, I should have saved him, he deserved to live longer, but I had promised to live and I will keep that promise, I vowed to find new friends, even though I knew  I could not find friends  as good as they were. I put down a gray flower and walked away from the cemetery when I heard a crack.