The Ruins of Winter

Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Juan Luis

"What did you do?"

Daddy never gets mad at me and Hera. Even in my worst days, he will never get mad at me. He will try to inhale and exhale, try to compose himself before talking to me. Him and mom doesn't want a violent household, maybe because of the traumas they have to live with since they were young. But tonight, it's different.

"Elian..." Mommy called.

"Anong ginawa mo, JL?!" Sigaw muli ni Dad at hinigit ang damit ko, "Gago ka, Juan Luis! Kahit kailan, hindi ko naisip na magiging ganyan ka! We've been patient and kind to you! I am tired of this bullshit!"

"H-Hindi ko alam, D-Dad..." My hands are trembling. I am scared of him. This is the first time he got angry at me and I feel like any moment now, he can disown me. But when he does, I won't blame him because I deserve it. I deserve to suffer.

"Hindi mo alam?" Daddy pushed me, "Putangina, JL! Gumagawa ka ng kagaguhan at ng responsibilidad pero kapag kailangan ka na, hindi mo alam?"

She never told me.

But I know that it's not an excuse. It will never be an excuse. I should've known. I should've known better. Fuck, I want her home. I want her back. Erys, come home, please?

"Elian!" Mommy exclaimed, "Ano ba ang ang nangyari?"

"Your son, Given!" He exclaimed, "Erys lost a child. Alam mo kung sino ang ama? Ang anak mo! At hindi niya daw alam! Pinagbintangan niya pa ang nanay ng anak niya! Now tell me if I shouldn't be mad, Given!"

"W-What? Luis..." Mommy called. Nagbabadya na ang mga luha sa gilid ng kanyang mga mata, "Luis... is that true?"

Yumuko ako. Mommy and Hera shouted when Daddy finally punched me in the face. I stumbled and fell on our tiled floor. Hindi ako galit... at hindi manlang ako nakaramdam ng sakit. I tasted blood but that is all. I deserve that. I deserve all the pain in the world for doing that to Erys. Hindi ko yata mapapatawad ang sarili ko.

I slowly stood up again.

"Gago ka, Juan Luis." Daddy firmly said, "That fucking brooch, you can buy that again. Pero ang pamilya mo? Tingin mo mababalik mo pa? What did you fucking tell me before Christmas? That you love the girl? Na nagmayabang ka pa sa akin na akala mo, alam mo na ang lahat tungkol sa buhay. You know nothing. You are still a kid who knows nothing!"

"Luis... is that true, my love?" As always, Mommy is gentle. Unti-unti ko siyang hinarap.

"Mom..." My tears fell, "I'm sorry..."

Mommy's shoulders slowly went down. Probably, her expectations to me as well. Dahan-dahan siyang lumakad palapit sa akin. Suddenly, her palm hit my cheeks. I couldn't breathe. This is my favorite person in the world, loathing me. Para akong nabingi sa lakas ng sampal ni Mommy. Never in my whole life, I imagined that she will do this.

"Mommy!" Hera cried, "Tama na... tama na... please, Kuya is hurt too..."

"Ofcourse, he will be in pain!" Mommy exclaimed, "This is his recklessness!"

Tama naman. Tama... kasalanan ko.

"Am I a bad mother, Juan Luis?"