The Ruins of Winter

Chapter 24

Chapter 24

I never had the choice but to be patient all the time. Dahil ang totoo ay wala naman akong magagawa sa sitwasyon namin ngayon. Wala akong ibang magagawa kundi ang maghintay sa mga bagay na hindi ko na hawak. But it still hurts. It really hurts.

"Pasensya na..." Dr. Castillano said, "They really promised to give the heart to us this time, nagulat rin ako na mayroon palang miscommunication. The condition of the patient in Manila is really critical right now, minamadali na nila... and when they saw the charts, they think that Isaiah's condition can wait more."

Isaiah's condition can wait more? Paano kung ang anak ko naman ang maubusan ng oras? Paano kung ang kondisyon niya naman ang maging kritikal? Hindi natin alam kung ano ang mangyayari mamaya o bukas. Paano kung gumising na lang ako isang araw na wala na ang anak ko?

I know it sounds selfish... but I am a mother more than anything else. And I will be selfish for my son if I have to.

"Paano po kapag hindi na nakapaghintay si Ice?" Tanong ko kay Doc.

"Miss Constancia—"

"Paano po kapag condition niya na naman ang lumala at wala na akong ibang option kundi ang transplant... pero hindi na pwede dahil wala nang match sa kanya..."

Different scenarios flooded my head. I can't think straight anymore. Ang akala ko talaga ay mangyayari na ang transplant. Ang akala ko talaga... gagaling na si Ice. I thought that he can live normally already and we can celebrate his 7th birthday like that. But once again, the world is failing me. Sana nga ay ako lang dahil sanay na akong mabigo but Isaiah... he badly wants this to happen too. He badly wants get well too.

"Erys, I will help you and Ice. Hindi tayo titigil..." Sabi ni Doc, "Juan Luis, are you with her?" JL nodded, "Please make Miss Constancia rest. May emergency meeting lang ako ngayon... I... I will be back. I'm really really sorry."

Iniwan niya kaming dalawa nang may tumawag na nurse sa kanya. Alam ko naman na hindi ito gustong mangyari ni Dr. Castillano. She's a good doctor. Pero parang naghahanap ako ng gustong sisihin. Parang iniisip ko kung sino ang may kasalanan kahit na wala naman. At the end of the day, we are here because of me.

"Erys..." Juan Luis called my name, "Uwi na tayo?"

"Umuwi ka na. Uuwi na kaming tatlo na kami lang." I firmly said, "Please, JL..."

"It's not your fault." He said, "It's really no ones fault. No one wants this to happen..."

"It's my fault." I answered him.

"Hindi yan totoo..." Ano ba ang alam niya? Ang alam niya lang ay may sakit ang anak ko, kailangan ng transplant kaya kami nandito. But he doesn't know even half of the shit I went through to be here.

"Wag kang magmarunong." Diretso kong sabi kay Juan Luis. He looks stunned at my words, para bang naghanap kung ano ang dapat na isagot sa akin pero nablangko na lang siya. He inhaled and exhaled, as if he's controlling himself so he won't be mad at me.

"I'm sorry." He said. Napapikit ako sa sinabi niya. Kailan pa ba nawalan ng pride ang taong 'to? This is not the Juan Luis that I know. Saan napunta ang lahat ng kayabangan niya sa katawan? Why is he apologizing when he's not even doing anything wrong? Bakit hindi na lang siya magalit sa akin, sukuan ako at lumayo na muli? Why does he make it hard for us all the time?