My Silent Undoing (Frank Iero)

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER THREE:
(Old Habits)

My silent undoing
My silent undoing
My wasp in a jar
Protruding hips
And skull, and spine
Ribcage cuts a clear outline
Oh, oh
All roped up and pinching in
Distorted and disfiguring
Oh, oh

At dinner with the Way family I realize that I am feeling a bit nervous about eating in front of them. They are serving pasta, salad, and they have garlic bread.

All of a sudden I feel as though everyone is watching me.

All of a sudden I feel cold and self-conscious.
(You are such a pig. Who could ever want to be your friend when you are only five feet tall and you weigh over 116.4 pounds)

I suddenly feel the urge to go to the bathroom to vomit. I feel so disgusted by the idea of food. Seeing my mom drink more and more wine. I feel so sickened.

I quickly put a ton of salad on my plate, and make it look as though I put on a lot of food on my plate. I try to grab a tiny scoop of pasta so no one says anything.

I was doing so well. I was eating again at my grandparents, but now I lost all my appetite. I feel utter disgust at the idea of food going down my throat. I pinch my belly to remind myself of all that fat I have on me.

"So Lila are you thinking of going to college?" Mrs. Way asks me.

"Yes I was thinking of doing a major in English. I enjoy writing a lot." I admit to the Way family. Gerard looks at me with new found interest. He seems impressed for some reason.

Once we began to eat I quickly eat my food. As quick as I can without looking like a pig. I then dismiss myself to use the bathroom. Once out of the room I quickly walk to the bathroom. I then proceed to turn the water faucet on. I then lift the lid of the toilet, and prepare myself.

There goes my dinner...

I don't forget to flush, and of course I put the seat back down. I then grab my mini tooth brush from my little clutch purse, and quickly brush the evidence out of my mouth. I then rinse my mouth, and grab a mint as well. I then fix my hair, and then head back to the table.

(You still ate the food you bitch. You will always be a fat little girl). I remember my mom's words to me when I was younger. Always telling me how fat I am.

I sit down and smile at the boys. A small shy smile. They smile back, and their mom notices and grins happily at us.

Before my mom gets too tipsy thankfully we end the dinner.

"Hey Lila we will be right over to take you to the show." Gerard tells me. I nod my head.

We get to our new small home.

"They seem like good people." Mom attempted to make small talk, and her words are already slurring.

"Yes they are." I agree.

"I'm going to fix myself a drink."

"I'm going to a show. I'll be home later." I knew she would forget anyway, but I pretend that maybe she would care, and remember that small detail.

"Don't stay out too late." She was already heading to the kitchen to make her drink.

Gerard was about to come to my front door when I leave the house.

"Eager to leave?" He raises his eyebrows at me. I shrug my shoulders. "Mikey's in the car already." I follow Gerard to the car. It was a ten minute drive away from his house.

The little show was at a local bar. It seems very cozy. I notice I am a little dizzy, but I will get used to it soon enough. My body is definitely feeling the lack of food.