𝘸𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘣𝘰𝘳𝘴

𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘳𝘵𝘺 𝘰𝘯𝘦

𝘬𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘢𝘭𝘭

       I felt Logan run her hand through my hair.  Every part of my body felt like rocks weighing me down. My heart felt like glass, shattered into billions of pieces. There were no more real sunny days in my head, it was cloudy and rainy. I laid here on Logan's grey couch for minutes, hours, days, weeks.  I was here for almost 2 weeks now. I couldn't move I felt paralyzed.

        "You should shower, you smell like a dog on my couch.....but a cute one" she grinned softly trying to semi comfort me. I couldn't speak, I felt like if I spoke I would break down in tears.  I didn't even want to look at my phone, if I did I would ugly cry.

           "Come on Kenny, we need to make some progress. You've been in this exact sport for almost 2 weeks. Just shower." I didn't move, I didn't do anything. I just laid there drowning in my sorrows. "Fine. I have to go to work, there's leftovers in the fridge, please eat at the very least. You haven't been eating much and that's not good for your health" I stayed silent, staring at the tv that was playing how I met your mother. It filled the silence. "I love you" she kissed my head and walked out of the apartment.

          I've never felt this broken ever.

          I probably laid there for hours, I went through a good 20 episodes when I decided to shower because I started to smell my own stench.

         I stripped off the shorts and Oversized shirt Logan let me use. I stared at myself in the mirror noticing the bags under my eyes and the swollen lips. My eyes were red and sad. My nose looked like Rudolph's nose. My body looked skinny and fragile.

           I turned on the hot water and slid the glass door open. When I stepped inside I felt the warmth of the water run down from my head to my toes. I took a deep breath trying to relax, I couldn't. I scrubbed my hair with shampoo then let it rinse.

           I couldn't stop thinking about him. Him being with me, hugging me, kissing me, loving me. I began to cry but I couldn't tell if they were tears or if it was just the water running down my face. I miss him.

        When I finished showering got out. I felt better, clean, fresh. I dried myself off and walked to Logan's drawers, she left a drawer dedicated to  me and my clothes, so I grabbed some underwear and my sweat set.

         Once I was fully dressed and brushed my hair, I went into the kitchen, making myself some avocado toast. I looked out the window really wanting to paint right now. Painting was my therapy. I grabbed a piece of paper and began writing.

    'I went home, I need some painting time to try to ease the pain. It usually works. I'll call you later.'

       I grabbed my phone and called a Lyft to take me home. As I waited I looked at my phone notifications and saw the one too many messages all from Nicolas. The very last one being 3 words.

I miss you

I felt my heart shatter again. He isn't allowed to miss me when he cheated. It was his fault. I covered my face with my hands beginning to break again. I let out loud sobs rubbing my hands down my arms. I hugged myself tightly really missing him.

After a good 15 minutes, I got up and walked towards the bathroom. I put my hair up in a bun taking some strands out in the front to make it decently look good. I heard my phone buzz on the counter, the driver was here. Quickly, I grabbed my phone and keys, then left the apartment building. I was leaving behind my dress and shoes, I didn't want them. I couldn't keep it.

           It was pretty chilly out, the sun wasn't out, the sky was filled of grey clouds. I guess the weather felt the same way I did. I looked out the window watching the city buildings pass by. I closed my eyes trying to collect myself. Don't cry Kendall. Don't cry.

            All of a sudden I felt the car stop. When I opened my eyes i noticed we stopped in front of the house to the left of my house.  I gave the man a soft  thank you and got out. I stuffed my hands in my hoodie pockets and went up the stairs sniffling. I didn't want to even look at his house, I knew I would start crying, I was already crying but not as bad as before.

           I got to the final step and took out my keys to open the door. Right as I looked up to jam my key in the door knob, there he was looking into my eyes. He looked different. His stubble was grown in, his eyes looked sad and hopeful that I was here. I looked down not being able to handle the eye contact.

          "Kendall" his voice was raspy and a deep. I missed his voice. My vision got blurry, I couldn't see, I shut my eyes tightly and shook my head. "Kendall, please, I didn't do anything. Please let me explain it to you." I shook my head not wanting to hear his excuses. "Please" he stepped forward closer to me, his hand cupped my cheek. I slightly tilted my head towards his hand, I miss him so much. With one of my hands I put my hand softly on top of his. Chills ran down my spine.

             "Was I not enough for you?" I said softly to the point where my voice barley went up to a whisper. Tears poured out of my eyes, facing him was somehow much harder then being away from him. He placed his other hand on my cheek, crouching down, he pressed his forehead against mine.

           "You are more then enough for me. What you saw was something that did not happen, because I love you. I love you so much it hurts. I've never loved someone so much like this. Jessica can't compare to you, nothing happened. I went to the bathroom and she practically tried to seduce me in some twisted way but I chose to look for you, by the time I found you, you already had your mind set to me cheating, when I didn't kendall. In wouldn't hurt you like that. I love you so much, forgive me for making you believe that Kendall. You are worth so much to me. I've waited everyday until you came home. I need you Kendall. I can't loose you." His voice cracked at the end of the sense. I want to believe him, I really want to believe him, but she made it so hard for me to forgive him. "Please"

         He was in pain too. I knew that. I put my hands on his wrists, pulling his hands away from my cheeks. He looked down wiping his eyes from the tears that overflowed in his eyes.

         "Let me just think about it, let me just process everything, I can't do this right now. I need time" I tried keeping my voice steady, "just give me time" i opened the door and shut it. I leaned on the door, slowly sliding down trying hard not to scream.

I hugged my knees, I felt my heart beat fast and loud, it felt like my world was crashing down, breaking into billions of pieces. I didn't know if I should believe him. I want to, but it's so hard to.